Anti Rules

S was telling us when we were out to lunch one afternoon, how she and her boyfriend B started dating. Ordinarily, this would not be the most riveting topic of conversation - everyone has a story some less boring than others but S is outside a couple of standard deviations in personality so hers promised to be an interesting one and she had our collective attention.

Instead of playing coy, calm and collected waiting for the man to make the first move, following The Rules book and not call him unless he called after the first date - generally being hard to get instead of "needy" and "clingy", S took a completely non-traditional approach. She walked up to the guy and asked him if was interested in getting some lunch.

Apparently, the unexpectedness of it all nonplussed him and before he knew, they were sitting in a restaurant. The lunch went well and S kept a steady flow of emails going until the next time she asked B out for a date. She does not believe in waiting for things to unfold or for men to discover what they are seeking. Instead, in the right circumstances, she takes control of the situation and assumes the leadership role.Clearly, it works for her.

Now, we've all met B and think he is a very nice guy. With a less assertive woman, he may have been dithering to this day wondering how to make his next move (if at all) and may not have been the stable relationship that he has now been in for a while. He has S to thank for setting his house (literal and figurative) in order.

S the probably the anti-hero - the woman who does everything that dating and relationship coaches caution against and achieves what she wants. It could be argued that her strategy would only work on one such as B who she has on occasion emailed or called twenty times in a day until he responded only to say "Hello". According to her, it is what she felt like at the time - she was just being her natural self. No book of Rules will cramp her style.

Tie That Binds

This article in n+1 magazine on dating is an excellent read. This was my favorite part :

Dating presents itself as an education in human relationships. In fact it's an anti-education. You could invent no worse preparation for love, for marriage, than the tireless pursuit of the perfect partner. Keep Looking, says dating. You're Not Done Yet. What About That One? And That One? Dating, like the tyrant, seeks perfection (within a certain price range). Whereas the heart, like the eye, can only cling to imperfections: her funny stride, and the way her voice breaks, child-like, on the phone. And so the dater, self-baffling, seeks what the heart cannot understand.

In one paragraph, the author captures the essence of what is wrong with this process and why it is inherently frustrating. The cost of dating math is worth pondering too. When a man acts ever so cheap on the first date and takes a woman to lunch at a low end pizza chain, she wonders if he may not be that into her. Chances are he is way over budget given all the other dates he's been out on lately and that's all he can realistically afford at that point. With that being the dynamic, an otherwise promising date would score poorly with the woman who expected the man to demonstrate his level of interest using his wallet. And that is only the beginning of many complications that go with the dating territory.

Dating And Rejection

I was walking home after dropping J off at her friend’s house. Other than some chores, I did not have much to do that evening. So when N, my neighbor asked me over to join her in her balcony for a drink,the timing was perfect. N teaches physics at a local college and is a single mother like myself. Her son is getting ready to go to high school this fall. At forty something, N is very attractive and in great shape thanks to her workout discipline. If you’ve spent any time with her you would not fail to notice the bracing sense of humor and a sharp mind.

When conversation turned to relationships (she has recently parted ways with a boyfriend of a couple of years), N mentioned some of her challenges. She does not have the time to meet people “off-line” the good old-fashioned way. When her family or friends try to set her up, the pressure is too high for things to go well - plus she hates it when people "check in" after the date to see how things went.She does not want to have a picture on her profile on a dating site – to be seen by a student would be much too embarrassing. Apparently, men she contacts (which is more often the case because her picture-less profile garners very limited attention) ask to see a picture right away. She has lost count of the number of times they have written back to say “Thanks for the pictures, but I am not interested” or something along the lines that is equally blunt.

I had a really hard time processing this. The average forty something guy would be hard pressed to find a woman in his age group that looks as good as N does and that is not even counting everything else she brings to the table as a person. In physical appearance and fitness level she can still give women in their late twenties a run for their money - “Why on earth would they do that ? Are these guys looking to date only women who have been Miss Universe within the last five years ?” I asked. N’s response gave me much to think about.

She reasons that men who are not secure in their own manhood (literally and figuratively) feel empowered at least temporarily by rejecting a woman based on her looks – despite all the gains women have in gender equality, this is still culturally the cruelest cut of all. More likely than not, they will reject a woman who appears confident about herself and her place in the world - someone who is not in need of a man's validation of her worth.

Rejection helps them establish that they and not the woman are in control. A lot of women are not equipped to handle such rejection (specially when it happens over and over again and they are over a certain age) well. It undermines their confidence and makes them vulnerable in relationships that they do get into.It was not so long ago, that my friend K, who moonlights as a model, was told by a guy that he "felt no chemistry" seeing her picture. That comment prompted her to call me to talk about it. N probably had a point about rejection chipping away at a woman's self esteem - it had certainly bothered K.

According to N, if a man is indeed a man (I will skip the colorful language she used to emphasize her point about what it takes to be a real man), he is likely to compliment a woman on her looks sincerely – her eyes, the slant of her throat,her skin tone, the shape of her lips, the texture of her hair, the curve of her body – whatever it is about her that is really nice, he will notice it and tell her how he finds her attractive. When a man is able to do this, a woman should know he will not disappoint her in bed as well. This is the kind of man who is able to bring out the best in a woman emotionally and physically. Whether or not the relationship works out in the end, he would have impacted her life in a positive way. “In a way, it’s good for me to get rejected by guys based on my looks” N laughed. “Who wants to waste time with losers who won’t even be decent lays. Life is too short”.

In N’s mind, it is perfectly okay for a man to not feel attracted to a woman for a variety of reasons even if she were considered good looking by most standards (my friend K comes to mind as an example). However, the manner in which he extracts himself from the situation says everything about what kind of man he is – namely if he is self-assured, confident and most importantly virile. As far as N is concerned being a “picture- rejecter” is the calling card of an uncultured cad (for obvious reasons) with a near certainty of being entirely underwhelming in bed. In short, imminently avoidable irrespective of the woman's relationship goals. N loves guys who don’t ask to see a picture (are thrilled if she sends them some), are curious to learn what she is all about, enjoy talking to her and set up a date just to get to know her better.

This is the kind of man who makes her want to look her absolute best on their date - exceed any expectations he may have had. “How does it usually go ?” I asked. “Swimmingly well. No exceptions” N replied. Unfortunately the garden variety “picture-rejecter” is dime a dozen, the other type is a rare find. And so on a Friday evening, when her son is with her ex, N has to content herself chatting with a girlfriend instead of being out on an exciting date with a man who can for a few hours dissolve the many stresses of the week, make her laugh and feel totally desirable.

I tell N, may it’s not men – it’s all those pesticides at work feminizing them. Maybe we reason, they are going through this transitional phase when they are losing touch with the masculine in them but have not become fully feminine yet. According to our bizarre theory, in this transitional stage, they might have a strongly negative reaction to any woman who challenges them to be more male than they are able to be. That would explain the patently inexplicable phenomenon of why one such as N (or my buddy K) would get “picture rejected” time after time in by men in the dating pool. By then, it was time for me to go fetch J and I had to defer the discussion of our fascinating hypothesis for another time.

Empathy Enhancement

Against my better judgment, I emailed T several weeks after our "date" asking him a simple question "What made you fall off the face of the earth ?" More than anything, this was curiosity about human nature. It was all too apparent to me that he and I would not work out for the long haul.Even so, no one wants to believe that they have no judgment of character and in inter-personal relationships are completely unable to read what the other party is signaling. It hurts our self-esteem. T wrote back and this is what he had to say for himself :

No, you have not misunderstood things. I was wrong to break off contact with you, and I should have handled it better. Soon after our date (which was wonderful) I realized that because of distance and other things we would not have a long term relationship. I also knew that if we dated even a couple of times, I would not be able to restrain my desire for you. I thought it would be wrong to start dating, then maybe get too involved, then break up with you. I apologize that I just cut off communications, but I thought it would be best.

If this Livescience article is to be believed, men like T could benefit greatly from a shot of empathy enhancing nasal spray. They would be able to handle things better and be more pro-active than reactive when it came to relationships.In this situation, T might have been over-reacting about hurting my feelings when in fact, I was not liable to be hurt at all. Had I not asked, I would have never known. It would have been one of those unresolved relationship questions that make it to agony aunt columns and prompt books such as He Is Not That Into You. Truth is apparently stranger than fiction.

Meeting By The Creek

After a long hibernation in the realm of singleness, I ventured out to meet someone recently. Introduced by a well meaning friend who thought we might be good together, I decided there could be worse ways to spend a Monday evening than answering a phone call from T. He turned out to be a great conversationalist and in a little while, I forgot that we were different in every way possible - color, culture, religion, profession, education, life experience and even politics. Yet, as I talked with T each evening for the rest of the week, there was more and more we found to like about each other. We were amazed that this was even possible and thanked the mutual friend who had got us connected.Then on a Saturday we actually met.

The chemistry was just as great as the mental connection - this was the stuff that made for perfect relationships - in the text book but never in real life. It was exciting to be with T but when we were quiet together it was an incredibly peaceful feeling. Before he left, T told me "You are a wonderful in many ways but what I like best is your honesty - I know what I see is what I will get. That is completely unique in my experience. I don't know any other woman I can say that about". I don't recall a man paying me a compliment that touched me quite as deeply. We parted ways, making plans to meet again the next weekend. Following well established dating game precedent, T did not call back the day after and I decided to end it promptly while the acquaintance was still new. It was time to wake up from a dream and get on with the day to day.

For a week, I felt like I was in my teens again - flirting, being silly and saying things that neither of us meant with any kind of seriousness. Yet because we had that spontaneous mental and physical spark, even the facetious became imbued with some deeper meaning. I believed T when he told me that I was unlike anyone he had met - we all want to believe we are special, enigmatic and unique. In such knowledge lies our salvation. If not, we would be mere cogs in an infinite wheel, with no reason or larger purpose to our lives; nothing to make us count and be of value to the world. To be told what we hold to be true about ourselves by someone we feel attracted to is the best kind of affirmation though it can be dangerously close to narcissism. T had invested a week of his life, giving this connection he had formed with me everything he had and that's all he was able to offer.

Short, intense, vibrant and beautiful - the stuff of great memories. We may remember that week and the Saturday when we met in a park, sat side by side on a rock and watched the minnows make ripples in a lazy creek. The sun had slanted just a little to make the water glitter, the breeze made my hair caress his face and allowed him to whisper into my ear. Everything was a little too perfect. T is a dating artist par excellence and I am an ingénue at best in this arena -  a match made in heaven. I was able to whet his jaded appetite and that brought out the best in him. I am sure he will go on to make many more conquests and add to his collection of relationship memories. In time, the names and faces of the women he has been with will blur, the details of the time he spend with them smudge around the edges. Sadly for him, despite all that magic that he is able to make, he may still be alone just as he has been for over two decades now since his last serious relationship.

Years from now I might remember T sending me a A.E. Housman poem and my response to him the form of my favorite Yeats - and that was merely day two. T offered profusely as only someone like him can and I received with intensity that is probably characteristic of me. In our hearts we knew it to be over even before our date was. "I guess this will be one of the many random things that have happened in my life" I told him. "You can blog about it" he laughed. And so here I am. This one is for you, T.

Kicking Tires

I have blogged before on my view that dating is not a necessary detour to marriage and found something to ponder over this story I read some time ago, about a Japanese man marrying the avatar from a dating game. There are some interesting possibilities that come to mind. A lot of people swear by the efficacy of getting to know their potential partner over time - trying to simulate conditions of their real life after marriage. The idea being that they will be able to uncover "the real" person. When the right circumstances intersect, the stress will be enough to peel away the facade and the truth about who they are will become evident. When that happens, making a decision one way or the other becomes simple. 

More often that not, the "stress test" method fails because it is almost impossible to weight the large number of variables that are at play, exactly right. Sometimes, people will get entrapped in situations that they will regret later and at other times they will have walked away from a person and relationship that would might have been ideal for them.

A dating game if set up right should be able to do a lot more for two people in a Second Life setting (not a sim) than they might be able to left to their own devices. They can take their relationship through the paces without actually being there.What would make things more useful is for players to save and share their previous games with new partners. When a relationship turns serious it would default to full-disclosure mode so there is nothing left to guess or need to spend time in the whole discovery process that  dating is all about. The more pre-scripted the moves, the more efficient the whole process would be. Assuming people are busy and time is of the essence, it becomes imperative that the game goes from start to end fairly quickly and the results are unambiguous. If a game ends up taking months to complete and/or the outcome is not deterministic then one might as well go out and date in the real world and deal with all that it entails.

A Child's View

A few weeks ago J and I met with a friend, her kids and her boyfriend for dinner. Like me, the woman is desi but unlike me she has dated and continues to do so hoping that will in time, lead her to the right man. We both came out of arranged marriages that did not work out. Her position (and it is a fairly common one in the circumstances) is that not spending time together ahead of time was the reason that marriage did not work out. This time around, she will not be rushed or rush into things. 

The man has been part of her household for the last couple of years, the kids like him but do not want her to marry him. That makes things complicated for her because at some point, they have to take the logical next step with their relationship or end it. I was curious about J's take on what she saw - specially because she can relate to the woman and kids very directly. This is a lot different from seeing an American single mom and her household - there is an expectation that the cultural difference will account for the unfamiliar life style choices even if that were not true.

J said what she has said before "I want you to have a husband and me to have a daddy but I don't want you to date - a boyfriend would confuse me" I found it surprising how the same situation can lead kids to have entirely different ideas on how they would like to see things unfold. In a sense, our kids are being supportive of the direction we have chosen to take.

Since L, my friend has dated men in the past and continues to do so, her children want her to remain in that pattern and not disrupt it with a marriage. They have grown comfortable seeing their mother move in and out of relationships and have come to accept it as the natural order of their life. J on the other hand, has never seen me be in a relationship but wants to have a family. In her mind, that can happen only when I am married. Me having a boyfriend does not give her what she wants and she extends that to mean it is not what would serve me well either.

Absent Chemistry

Recently my friend K asked if it were possible to judge if there was chemistry or not based on one picture. I was quick to say yes - it has happened to me. Now K is a very attractive young woman who does some modeling on the side. Clearly for an "average-looking" man to tell her "awfully sorry but I am not feeling any chemistry at all" based on a picture from her portfolio is an affront. Had it been the other way around, K would have not called to ask me the question she did. I am certain she has summarily dismissed prospects based on a picture or two - as have many of us women.

The real question is therefore, should men be held to a different standard than women. Does it behoove them to declare they find a woman attractive even if they really don't - is it merely good manners like holding the door. Are they out of acceptable standards of behavior if they tell what they actually think. I suggested to K that she shrug it off and move on. It should not be so easy for a random man to come along and displace her confidence in her physical appearance.

There are enough guys fawning over K at any given time - and that alone should be enough to undo the damage one had done. As long as youth is on her side she can count on that. When it is gone she will need have enough self-worth built so she no longer needs validation and affirmation from men. She should be in a place where she can be amused at the remark and be able tell this man she appreciates his candor and wishes him luck.

Tales Of The Wierd

My friend K emailed this to me with a note saying "I thought you'd get a chuckle out of it". The profile below belongs to a 53 year old man who is divorced with a couple of teen-aged kids and looking to get hitched again. That he would see it fit to express his interest in a woman who has never been married before and is just over half his age, would probably prompt a "WTF !" reaction in most people (it certainly did in me). But what he has to say is just too precious not to share.

I am looking for a partner who is willing to settle in US, India or South Africa. Beauty is a must. Must be good cook I am not looking for a partner can't make up her mind. I don't want my partner be negatively influenced by family. My partner must be happy all the time I don't need depressed or PMSY. Thank you and looking for your message.

I wrote K back asking her to humor this man for a just a little bit. Tell him that she is taking lessons in gourmet cooking and will touch base with him when she is ready to put her education to use. She will be very glad to give up her thriving career in America to become a full-time, stay-at-home cook in any of the three countries he mentions though she would not hesitate one bit to follow him to Chad or Outer Mongolia should that be required.

She is still trying to figure the best way to cut loose from her family and friends in the US because they could only be a baleful influence on her marriage with him. What use would she have of such dead-weight in her life once she becomes his wife ?

Finally to end on a cheerful note, K could write she has never suffered from PMS but to preempt getting depressed, she will go on Prozac or some such pro-actively. In the end, marrying a man like him is any woman's dream come true and she would make sure she met or exceeded all his expectations. I am guessing K has no time or interest to play such ridiculous games so the rest of us will miss on some really big laughs.