Two Roads

Read this article about two paths to marital happiness - either have no kids at all or have a whole bunch of them. Doing something in between apparently does not bode well for a couple's happiness. This is how the plight of folks such as myself is described :

Attempting to balance being an autonomous individual and a social animal produces a kind of incoherence that leads to misery. You're constantly confused and being pushed in different directions.  You can't even explain to people who you are.

I find that to be a harsh indictment. In the modern world where a village is often lacking to help with the raising of our children, bringing up four or more of them is no walk in the park. One has to assume that one or both parents have to go to work to put food on the table -in either case, the time and energy required to raise the children is seriously diminished. I am not sure how a perpetually over-worked, at-capacity couple can have a great marriage - where would they find the time to nurture their relationship ?

The distinction between an autonomous individual and a social individual does not make sense either. To be a social animal (a parent) an adult has to be an autonomous individual first - they have to be functional and competent independently before they can take responsibility for any number of offspring. I am not sure that it is actually possible to be one or the other. As for the incoherence leading to misery - it could be argued that a social animal without a well developed autonomous individuality could be even more so and fall apart under the demands of  parenting four or more children

Living Within Means

In her article Planet Singlehood, Amiee Ginsburg writes "Now I realise there was a price to be paid for being a couple that I could not pay, even though I had had my heart set on it. Now I’m living within my means." A long time inhabitant of Planet Singlehood, I can completely relate to her sentiments. It does take a lot of mental space and energy to come into and sustain a relationship. I had foolishly assumed the same amount of investment would not be necessary in marriage and I am learning I was wrong. While I was unable to extend myself as far as was required to just be in a relationship, I feel more ready, willing and able to do so in marriage simply because my spouse has gone the distance by making a lifetime commitment to me and J - as such, he deserves it. Yet, the effort that goes into the process does make me feel like I am "living beyond my (emotional) means".

Of her single state and its impact on her kids, Ginsburg says "I was not able to show them how to cross adulthood in a healthy relationship, but maybe they’ve learnt something about autonomy and strength, and true love." How absolutely true ! I don't know that I am the best role model for J as far as how to be in a healthy relationship. I have a lot of unresolved issues that are making their presence felt in my marriage with DB. In the end, she will take away from observing me and us, what she will. If it is within my power, I will encourage her to examine our life and decide what parts of it to emulate in her own and what to reject. Enabling her to do that will the best I can do in lieu of being the relationship role model, I have not yet been able to be.

Ego and Cry for Help

In marriage, each partner must balance their ego with their unheard cries for help. I learned this in my first marriage and am re-learning long forgotten lessons another time now. In the early days of my marriage with DB would ask for me to do a few specific things to ease him into the marriage - small changes, small gestures of understanding and kindness for me but deeply significant in their impact to him. I let my ego get in the way of doing what I was being asked to. I heard him making demands instead of hearing his cries for help. I would be more than willing to help but I refused to meet any demands. Such is the nature of perception. 

Each of us has a different way of reaching out for help from the one we love. For over a year DB appealed and I refused to comply because he was not talking the language I wanted him to talk in. Now he has given up and it is my turn to cry for help. His ego may be a little smaller than mine but it still makes its presence felt. I am not speaking the language that will appeal to his heart. As a result, he is holding back the help I am seeking just as I have for the longest time. 

Ironically, now that he never mentions it again, I find myself doing all those little things he had so badly wanted me to do for such a long time. He notices, but it means a lot less now than it would have once. I am only now beginning to realize how much work it takes to hear and be heard effectively in a marriage. I wonder if things are not that much harder for both of us because we've been single and on our own for so long that any request to change from our partner feels like an imposition and our immediate reaction is to bristle. Being relationship-free for as long as we have both been make our communication skills with each other more than a little rusty. When you throw a little bit of ego in the mix - it makes for a potent combination.

Remarriage Lessons

In the past year, several readers of this blog have asked me to share my experience of being married for the second time. I have blogged off and on about it over time, but this attempts to bring some of the key themes together.

Being Owed Happiness

This is my experience with second marriage and it may not be true for everyone else. Ever so often, I find myself falling into the trap of "being owed happiness". I waited long enough for this man, ergo he must be the answer to all that ails me. Why must I still be expected to work on finding my own happiness or put forth the effort to make the relationship a happy one. I already did my time in my previous marriage - so it is not fair to be given anything but a perfect marriage this time. 

It is as if the long, frustrating and often hopeless waiting to get to this state entitles me to happiness without any further ado. When that does not readily happen - I decide I am the injured party and DB has a responsibility to make it right. It would be okay if I could just let it go being injured and aggrieved - I also get infuriated at him for not doing his part. It is not often that I pause to consider what he might expect from me and if I am fulfilling his vision of a perfect union.

The Insecure Child

We have only one child (mine) between the two of us, so I have it a lot easier than a lot of couples who marry for the second time and need to blend their families together. Even so, there are challenges and complications due to the presence of a child. Mine was acutely insecure for several months into our marriage. On the one hand she had this compulsive need make sure DB was taking care of Mommy and treating her right, on the other hand, when she saw us happy together she grew afraid of losing her mother to a relative stranger. 

Out of the blue she could burst into tears and shut herself in her room. Her suffering was hard for us to see but she would be inconsolable - in a heartbeat I would have gone from being the center of her universe to being her biggest enemy. I got her a notebook and encouraged her to write about how she was feeling - not hold anything back no matter how hurtful of offensive they may be towards DB and I . I told her I would not read her journal until she was ready to share it with me. This exercise proved to be quite cathartic for her and in a few months the emotions were not quite so out of control.

She wanted DB as a father but could not accept him in the role of my husband. There was love and hate for him in equal measure.The two forces worked in equal and opposite directions bringing a lot of stress into the family. It took a lot of reassurance from both of us and me demonstrating to her that her position in my life had not diminished in any way. In time, that alleviated her sense of insecurity. DB would be the understanding adult for the most part and allow her emotions to play out but every once in a while he would grow petulant and feel left out of our "family unit" of two. It was left up to me to be the level-headed, peace-making adult who had to cast aside her own feelings and work on restoring harmony in the family. Between meeting the demands of J and DB, I felt completely worn out.

Losing Friends and Isolation

Both my husband and I have shed several friendships in the wake of our marriage. On his end, these were friends that had felt compassion or pity for him because he was floundering partner-less and without specific direction in life - for a very long time. He was one of those guys they had pegged as remaining single for life. While they had all started out together, these friends had left him far behind in achieving life's milestones. By inviting him into their families, they got an opportunity to feel better about themselves and rejoice in their superior standing in life. DB for his part appreciated being made a part of their lives and having someplace to go for the holidays. It was an arrangement that worked out well for everyone concerned.This pity-fest had been going on for years and all at once my presence ended it. 

I had been a feel good project for several of my girlfriends - both married and single. They could do little things to help me out, reduce the burden of my responsibilities as a single mom without inconveniencing themselves seriously. By ceasing to be single, I had taken away their opportunity to be good Samaritans and they were quick to dump me as well. I came to the sad and sobering realization that these "friends" really did not understand the person I was or have much interest in her for that matter. So once the circumstances changes and my project worthiness was gone, they found out that the friendship was non-existent. 

In net, we are relatively friendless and in need of building a social life all over again - the very idea is irksome. Some days, we don't even know where to begin - everyone we know, has friends that go back decades - we just cannot fit into their social network. Then there are much younger people who are still settling in, getting know other families like their own - we have nothing in common with that crowd either. From each of us being alone in our two separate islands, we have come together on one and are alone there together. A new relationship is never helped by social isolation and yet that is a force we have to contend with in addition to everything else.

Parents

We have found out that parents get used to us being single and dependent on them a lot more than they would have otherwise been. As much as they would like for our lives to return to normalcy and for us to find a life partner, they are often unable to relinquish what they had from us in the years past. My mother (when she visited)  for instance ran my household like it was her own, without any interference from anyone. I was too desperate (and grateful) for the help to question her authority or jurisdiction. She is now failing to recognize that her role has changed and she needs to play a very minor part in my family. We are all finding out there is a significant gap between her ability to accept DB in theory and accept him in reality.

Communication and Relationship

We both except the other person to communicate clearly what they want. Yet for the smallest things to take so much back and forth tires us out. We have the social roles and responsibilities of a couple with a ten year old child, when the marriage in not even two years old. What would come naturally to a couple of our vintage, takes a lot of doing for us to accomplish. 

With that small tasks become Herculean efforts and we are both left emotionally exhausted. After having so much energy expended in setting appropriate expectation for mundane things, we have none left to work on the much more serious and arduous business of cementing a new relationship - it inevitably gets pushed to the back-burner. The initial spark does not have a fighting chance to blossom into a steady glow that we can count on for life - the forces of responsibility constantly work to extinguish it. Unless we stay vigilant and continue to make it our priority we could get ourselves into trouble.

At the end of a year and a half of marriage, we find that we segued into an old marriage immediately after courtship. The honeymoon period couples enjoy after their first marriage just did not happen for us.DB found himself thrust head first into a domestic situation where the show had to go on - the child had to be taken care of, sent to school, taken to her activities and somewhere in in middle of all that he had to form a romantic relationship with the mother. Add to that a couple of job changes, relocation and a buying a home and what little energy anyone may have for relationship building would quickly dissipate. Most people who meet us cannot tell that our marriage is so new or that J and DB are not biologically related. While that may be a testament to the hard-work that has gone into forming this family, it is also a telling sign of what we are missing out on as a couple.

There is a certain edginess and brittleness even about a single mother - she has no choice but to be bold, assertive and independent. She has to make the calls about her household and children. There is no one else - often not even a sounding board. Adversity can take the most vulnerable and dependent among us and turn them into a force of nature. That is the personality I presented to DB when I first met him - it was not as much a matter of presentation as it was the point in time truth about my nature. He found that strength and confidence incredibly attractive. 

As a wife, I have failed to tend to the positive aspects of that nature - like some women stop taking care of their physical fitness and appearance, I ceased to worry about being the fittest I could be mentally and emotionally. I was too relieved to have respite to be concerned about what effect my "laziness" was having my own well being and on the relationship. In response, DB did not feel the need to be all that he had been when we first met - in his case his physical health bore the brunt of the resentment and disappointment he felt. Often, with these things the damage happens first and the epiphany comes about much later. I am still learning to curb my stubborn streak and not turn this into a staring contest. And that is easier said than done.

Feeling Normal

I never subscribed to the idea that a single person or a single parent is any less or different from a married person. I would go out of my way to prove to myself that I was alright and that my child was not being deprived of a "normal" life. Yet, there always this nagging sensation of being an outsider to normal (in my case suburban) society. I had nothing in common with the stay-at-home PTA moms. I still have very little in common with them but having a husband affords me a small entry into their world. 

Similarly, having a child makes it easier for my husband to be the "regular" daddy when they run errands together or go out play tennis. He does not have to be the guy that comes alone to brunch every Sunday - he has a ten year old her can take along if he wanted to. Suddenly the waitresses are all smiles and friendly - he is welcome into the "normal" fold. He is the kind of dad they appreciate - bonding with his little girl over pancakes, milkshake and hash browns. Normalcy is a pretty big deal for someone who has been on the fringe for as long as we have.

Twice Shy

In one year of being married once again, I have come to realize that when people such as DB and I come together in a second marriage, most of our energies are expended in navigating minefields. A certain tone of voice, a gesture, a mannerism, food habit or what have you will trigger a bad memory. Suddenly, the past will come into the foreground with vengeance, completely obscuring what little you have built together with pain-staking effort. Like a friend of ours said, a new marriage (even it is the second time for both) is a like a messy, kicking, screaming infant and we would be well advised to treat it as such instead of expecting adult behavior from it. 

Yet, more frequently than not, we expect the other person to "know better" given the lessons learned from mistakes past. We expect adult behavior from the bawling, unreasonable infant that is our marriage. When expectations are not met we are quick to indulge in self-pity, give up on the partner's ability to ever change. We blame the other for errors and omissions made in their previous marriage. What is more we accuse the other of going down the same destructive path because they are incapable of learning ; unwilling to change. Then the moment passes, tempers cool, reason, love and compassion return. After the clouds lift, I am able to see the many amazing changes DB has made in the past year, he sees that I am almost everything he wanted his wife to be. 

Post epiphany we are in rapprochement mode - and life is good once again. The days flow languidly like a brook meandering through quiet woods - until we hit the next obstacle. We want to believe this is no different from any new marriage but we do know that it is - indeed in very significant ways. Every marriage takes time to be broken in - the first time around, you are both willing to do a lot more to make it happen, you have many dreams and the energy to fulfill them. By when one marriage ends, the years of being alone are over and you start over, a lot of the energy has already been expended. You have the compelling need to make up for lost time and pretend your life had always been "on track". What is more, you want to prove to yourself that you have wisdom you once lacked and this time there would be no mistakes. 

That is the narrative you bring into all your social relationships as well. So I'd rather not have to explain why DB, J and I have different last names. I would rather pretend that DB has been in J's life forever and not want to talk about the time in her life when he was not around. It is as if the strength of this marriage and our newly formed family unit is based on how "old" and "comfortable" it looks to the world outside. It gives us the much need affirmation to pass for a family that has grown organically instead of having been cobbled together. We don't want to come across as still trying to figure things out, not having our act quite together yet, we want to look self-assured and confident with answers to everything figured out already. The pressures of those largely unrealistic goals come into the relationship and strain it even more. 

Every day this past year has been a learning experience for me. We both thought having been through a marriage once before would count for something this time. That experience as we are finding out is more counterproductive and disruptive than anything else. Time will tell if it contributed anything positive to our union.

Hardening

At the kernel of J is a very headstrong person. She was that even at a few months old. There would be no kicking and screaming to protest but she would resolutely hold her ground and do exactly what she had set out to do. In the last few months, DB and I have noticed a more concerning variation on the theme of "resolute". When we are upset with her for any reason, she switches off emotionally and presents a stone cold persona that nothing can touch. Our words and remonstrations mean nothing to her at that point - it is like we have lost all contact with the child and yet she is sitting right across from us at the dinner table. The snapping of connection is as sudden as it is complete and it leaves us at our wits end. Yesterday DB tried a different way to get to the bottom of this change. After the moment of disagreement had passed, he started a casual conversation with her and soon she had regained her usual animation. Once he had her full attention, he started probing a little into her how she had been feeling lately - about herself, about us as a family and so on.

We were able to piece together quite a bit on what she said. In the early days of our marriage, DB and I would often get into arguments - we are both highly independent and strong-willed people so it took a lot of doing to stop getting at each others' throats. In a snap, all the love, affection and respect would disappear and we'd be absolutely infuriated with each other. Until that time, J had never seen a man around the house, never seen me as a married woman and had no idea of what may or may not be normal between two parents. I had forgotten what it was to adjust to another adult or accept a way of life very different from my own. So here we were, DB and I shaking out a brand new marriage with a completely confused eight year old looking on.

She said, she had no idea what would happen next. She was scared a lot and worried about what the future held for her. She was no longer sure about Mommy because Mommy was acting out in ways she had never known her to in her entire life. The only way she knew to protect herself was to harden, to become tough so  nothing could touch her. She had gone into self-preservation mode and this was the only defense mechanism she knew.

The marriage is a year old now, DB and I have defined the rules of engagement and we don't squabble over every little thing. The communication between us is not perfect but we recognize it right away when there is a problem and make the effort to correct it. The arguments when they happen are not nearly as intense and J carries on treating it like background noise. She has learned to cope, carved a safe haven for herself in past year's turmoil to the point that I feel like I have to re-discover the child I gave birth to.

I was once her source of strength and the person in charge of her life. In the past year fallen from grace. J has seen the weak, vulnerable and often emotionally volatile side of me. The rite of passage DB and I have been through in year one is completely normal in a new marriage except if this had been our first, J would not have been around quite yet to be impacted by it. I will do everything I can to right course with her from here on out but cannot turn the clock back. I hope watching the initial adjustment stage of a relationship and seeing it grow stronger as a result gives her something of value that she can use in her own life - at least that's how I try to rationalize what I cannot change no matter how much I want to

Cultivation

After a big argument with DB, I always wonder what it is that lead up to it. More importantly, what we can both do different to make sure it does not happen again. Despite the best intent on either side, there is always another one. I am beginning to realize lately, that I found in DB potential to be an amazing dad to J and that quality about him drew me to him. As a single mother, my priorities in marriage had changed - I was willing to subordinate what I sought for myself to what my child needed. The marriage was no longer all about me - I knew we would all be miserable if J and the man I married did not get along well. 

DB has surpassed every expectation I had of him as a father and for that I am very grateful. When we first met, I saw in him a kind heart, generosity of spirit, willingness to change anything about himself that would make the relationship better and the ability to accept his failings. The fact that J adored him from the very beginning was only more affirming. We got into this relationship based on attraction,affection and the ability to completely natural with each other. On most days, we do well given that the marriage has all its essential ingredients in place. 

When we argue, it becomes evident that I had never allowed myself to think about what I wanted for myself in the marriage. This is something I am learning every day. Instead of being upset and disappointed, DB suggests that I "cultivate" him to be who I want him to be. That and patience according to him will give me what I want from him. He is kind of person who will work slowly towards his goals - one small step at a time without any visible signs of progress. I on the other hand want everything right now because time is running out.Unless I see big signs of progress and hit milestones  quickly I get frustrated and call it a lost cause. I am beginning to appreciate what Shirley MacLaine once said "There is no such thing as a crash course in serenity"

Fire Meets Ice

DB's need to plans things to the nth degree drives me crazy. Similarly, my completely random ideas on what we can do at the spur of the moment stress him out. For instance, he will like to plan a three day vacation months in advance with every last detail accounted for - nothing left to chance. I on the other hand will find out on a Thursday, that I have a day off on Monday and will pick a random place in a two to three hundred mile radius and tell him "Let's go there". 

In the past, DB has responded to these arbitrary requests with a complete meltdown and I with anger at him for raining on our parade. This weekend has been the first time that fire met ice in a way that magic was made. We were able to take a sudden vacation to a small beach town we had never heard of. We took long walks on the beach as long as the temperature allowed, J and I collected seashells that held potential as jewelry - DB offered help and critique in equal measure. For the first time, J tried shellfish and loved it. We drove around the quaint neighborhoods, checked out a beautiful aquarium and an island. We did not have the days planned - we slept in, started late, walked, ate local or cooked, walked some more and returned to the home we had rented. 

When I first suggested taking off somewhere, DB got stressed as he is wont to do and I clammed up and told him to "Forget it". That is exactly how things have been thus far. This time, DB made an effort to work with me and when I saw him try to work out of his comfort zone, I came forward to help him plan like he needs to. He told he that he loved my spontaneity and was glad I asked to go at short notice and that he'd love to do this more often. Thanks to observing how DB does things, I  have a much greater appreciation for the virtues of planning ahead - something that simply does not come to me naturally.

I realized this weekend that DB and I may have married because we are ice and fire. We argued passionately after we got together because we are so different and we were not able to negotiate our own space in the relationship without feeling displaced and dominated by the other person. It does not help that we are both fiercely independent and don't like giving up things that are important to us. Almost a year into the marriage we are beginning to learn how we can meet each other half way and nurture our marriage with the qualities that drew us together in the first place instead of allowing our differences to become the flints with which to strike disagreement and discord.

Lessons From Cupcakes

DB bought me a super soft throw a few days before Valentines Day. He does not care for surprises and is bad at keeping them. I got my gift ahead of time and liked it better that way - the de rigeur lovefest of February 14th is not my thing at all. Now that I had been given a gift for to mark the occasion and the first one since our marriage, I felt compelled to reciprocate. 

Knowing that he has a sweet tooth, I had in mind a couple of super fancy cupcakes from a cupcake boutique that is new to our neck of the woods. They are as decadent as they are gorgeous. Apparently everyone else in town was thinking just like I was. I decide to swing by after work, pick up what I liked and head home in time for it to be a surprise. Sadly for me, they had a note posted on their door apologizing for being out of cupcakes. Had I ordered ahead, I could have picked up as many were doing. 

For someone who does not believe in Valentines Day or the celebrations that go along with it, I was extremely anxious to pick up something that was close to what I had intended. Rescue came in the form of ice cream cupcakes from another store down the road. Though not nearly as exclusive as the offerings of the cupcake boutique, they were good enough. 

I felt strangely wistful driving home. DB takes the time and energy to think about what he could do different or better in our relationship. Him going out a few days ahead to pick out the perfect gift for me is one of many examples. I try to do as much as I can in as little time as possible - often without a lot of planning. 

In the many years that he was single before we met, he cultivated qualities that enhance him as a person and a partner. For my part, I focused on running a tight ship - with parenting, career, finances and yes even the tentative forays into relationships. I have possibly regressed on the interpersonal and relationship aspects in the last decade. 

Now that we are married, the difference in our personal growth over this period of time manifests itself in big and small ways all the time. 

The failed attempt to secure bespoke cupcakes on Valentines Day is a small but telling example. Each time something like this happens, I think to myself "I did not used to be this way before" Before - a long time ago, before my first marriage or until my divorce. I would plan just as meticulously as DB does. I had an abundance of imagination and creativity - I used to do the things DB does for me for my R (my ex) - a man who most decidedly did not deserve that generosity.

I want nothing more than to restore those traits that have gone dormant in me to the point that I forget they ever existed. I want to be fair to DB - be able to give to him like he gives to me.

Speaking On Cue

My friend S has more life experience than most people I know. The story of her life thus far and as it continues to unfold on a daily basis could give any prime time soap opera a run for its money. Talk about truth being stranger than fiction. 
We were chatting one evening - we both needed a friend to share our thoughts with. S is

going through hell as she tries to help her severely depressed and unemployed brother get his life back on track. I was on that day having challenges with DB even if of a very different order of magnitude. I advised her to do the best she could do as a sibling without jeopardizing her own family life - to determine a timetable in which to affect (if possible) positive changes in his life. Beyond that there was not much else for her to do. She needed to define a tight boundary around her responsibility for her sibling and not allow guilt to keep expanding it constantly. She told me I had given her good advice.

Her insight about what was going on between DB and I gave me pause for thought. Her marriage is over ten years old and they had dated a few years prior. They make a wonderful couple, their energies balancing each other out in the most harmonious way. As I talked with her, I realized that I had forgotten how to support a man as a woman must. I was going about it without any finesse and DB was responding badly. 

While my intent was great, execution was a whole different matter. I was like a dancer with two left feet trying to tango with a partner who expects me to match step with him. Not only was I an shabby dancer, I was constantly stepping on his feet making what should have been a fun experience a painful one. S on the other hand had tangoed a long time and was as sure-footed as she was graceful. The advice she gave me flowed effortlessly - she practiced what she was saying every day. There was that quiet confidence in her tone that only comes with true conviction.

Always the eager student, I decided to put one of her easier lessons to test right away. It bombed seriously. I was now that actor who begins their part on cue, does not immerse themselves in the character they are playing and most definitely do not have their lines committed to memory. Without S to prop me up, I sank without a trace when DB responded a little differently than expected - I did not have the improvisation skills to continue what I had started. 

What comes so easy to S will take me years to master. In the meanwhile, I would be lucky to be able to put some of her wisdom to use in my marriage. S would not give me a failing grade on my first attempt - the fact that I tried, that I even cared enough to put myself in a situation that was inherently uncomfortable for me because I care about DB, would in her book be an A.

The Couple

The life of H and S (a couple I knew a long time ago) is one I have followed over the years because there are so much to learn from it. They met when he was a TA in her undergrad class. She was six years younger than him. They made an exceptionally good looking pair and seemed to have everything that mattered in common. In short, a match made in heaven. Her parents were disappointed in her choice of husband because they thought she deserved a lot better than H.

The proverbial serpent in their marital paradise was socio-economic disparity between the two families. Her parents were tenured professors at a well-known university. They were also independently affluent. His father was a high-school drop out and worked with a traveling theater group. His mother had no formal education and worked odd jobs where she found them to support the family. They were both artistically gifted (a quality they had passed on to H) but had very little material success. 

H for his part, had always excelled academically and was working his way up in the corporate world. However, his overwhelming sense of inferiority to S (and her family) along with the constant need to prove his worth to them, ended their marriage ten years and two kids later. H has since re-married a woman who is nothing like the beautiful and exceptionally talented S. Indeed, he made a concerted effort to find someone who did not remind him of S at all. They have another child together. His career has taken off in a way that even he may not have imagined possible even five or six years ago.

S continues to be a single mother to their two kids. H has detached himself from their lives to focus on his new family. The endless bickering over parenting style was draining them both out and not doing the kids any favors either. S had to slow down career-wise despite her considerable talents, to be able to mother them without a partner. Fifteen years later, H is exactly where he may have wanted to be to prove to S and her family that she could not have found herself a better, more qualified or successful husband. His accomplishments are spectacular by any standard. She was to him the epitome of the perfect wife, the soul-mate he had sought and found.

Theirs was the perfect union that came apart before it's potential could be fully realized. I often wonder if they don't regret having parted ways much too soon or maybe the end of the marriage gave H the drive to achieve what he has. Even though they are not together anymore, the need to prove himself to S and her family must be a driving force in H's life. I wonder if such a marriage can then be called "over" - if S is still not the what inspires H to achieve and excel each day. I wonder if they are still not a couple in the heart and soul.In such a vicarious union, does one party win at the expense of the other. H got his impetus to be wildly successful but S could not achieve anything close to her potential. I wonder about the fairness of it all - specially for S. If however, one removes material measures of success (and failure), would S have appear to have emerged a winner as well.

The Great Adjustment Story

My grandmother lived to be ninety five and the family was relieved when she finally passed on. That is a sad fate for anyone. Her death gave me reason to pause and reconsider my own relationship with her which truth be told, was non-existent. With her gone, I was able to discern her good qualities better and make an effort to understand her not so good ones. It made me want to understand how did she become the person we all knew and so heartily disliked. 

She was my grandfather's second wife. His first love and wife died at childbirth leaving him a heart-broken widower with a five year old daughter and a new born son. That son died a year later leaving him even more desolate. To shore up his dying spirits and get him some help raising his daughter, the family decided to get him re-married. The first wife was wraith-like, beautiful, well-educated and had a lot of artistic talent. She came from an aristocratic family and had been raised with care. She had been a true companion to my grandfather who was something of a Renaissance Man himself. 

This time around, the family decided that the most important quality for the would be bride was robust health. The man did not need another wife to die on him.So they found my grandmother, a woman as strong as an ox with an unlimited capacity for hard-work, second grade education with nothing beyond youth to redeem her utter plainness.It became evident to her right after the marriage that her husband's heart belonged to his beloved first wife and all she could expect from the relationship was to be provided four meals a day, a roof over her head giving birth to a child each year. They had ten children together, lost a few along to way and lived in genteel poverty. She cooked, clean, scrubbed and did her conjugal duties but never received anything a wife might expect from her husband. This was the life she adjusted to. 

Coming from a poor family where there were five other sisters that needed to be married off, she had no choice or recourse. Adjustment was her mantra. She adjusted to being unloved, being treated like she did not deserve any better than she got, having motherhood thrust upon her time after time, losing her youth before its time, living in hopelessness about the future, worrying about the prospects of her daughters in the marriage market and much more. 

She adjusted to being a powerless, non-entity in her own household. The children gravitated towards her husband because he was a great father who helped them with their education, encouraged their non-academic interests and engaged them in meaningful conversation. Yet he never taught them to love and respect their mother. She adjusted to the narrative that her husband was a great man who had to commended for his patience and fortitude tolerating one such as herself. 

She was sixteen when they got married and yet it was never an expectation from the Renaissance Man to shape and form her into the companion of his dreams. She adjusted to being told she was ugly and stupid and was exceptionally lucky to have found such a great man as her husband. She adjusted to being told that she had no part in the success of her children because she brought nothing of value to the table - except the good health they all enjoy. If ever a woman was treated like cattle, my grandmother was and she adjusted to it. 

Until her death, she paid attention to herself. She wore crisp white cotton saris, combed her gray hair until it shone like silver. She wore some simple gold jewelry made from money she had saved over many years. She taught herself to read and tried to read everything that came her way. She adjusted to being viewed as a shrew by her daughters-in-law and grandchildren until she died. She adjusted to being avoided to the point, where she lived alone in her room, emotionally cut off from the family. No one had the patience to put up with her drama. 

We all missed our grandfather - a refined man of many talents and the sweetest temperament. A man who was like a giant umbrella over the family - ready to counsel and shepherd anyone who was in trouble. Everyone bent over backwards to attend to his needs but my grandmother was always tossed aside like a rag doll past it's prime. She adjusted to being last and the least all her life. Indeed, there was very little that the woman could not adjust to. Of all the stories of adjustment in marriage that I know of, hers is the greatest.

Behind The Veneer

I used to be the girl that scoffed at Mills & Boon romances, enjoyed the modern twist on fairy tales - in which Snow White pursues an aggressive feminist agenda among other things egregious. I used to also believe that a woman's sense of self is worth a lot more than anything a man can give her - and to that end it was worth fighting for to the bitter end.

In my first marriage, I found myself turning dangerously enamored of the myth of the "perfect" union. We had to read each others' minds and anticipate needs that were unspoken. That union was the fatal mix of unrelentingly perfect and dangerously flawed. My sense of self took a beating that required the better part of a decade to recover. 

At the time of meeting DB, the facade had come together quite nicely. I looked (and even felt) together and confident - qualities that DB found very attractive. I had no reason to know that the facade was merely a veneer. Nothing and nobody had quite tested its resilience. 

That was the petri dish of romance and then there is the cauldron of marriage. Inside it the facade is peeling, crumbling, falling apart so uncontrollably that I sometimes have to wonder how it came to be that I changed this much in less than a year. It is easy to blame what is new in the mix of things - marriage and DB. To say that he is confused would be understating it.

The wounds underneath are raw and tender - it takes very little provocation to make them hurt hellishly - together, poised and confident are not words one would associate with that frame of mind. I am coming to realize that I had spent my life in denial of my true inclinations - maybe I am sucker for the saccharine romance after all. I am looking for the man in my life to be the answer to everything. DB is placed in the position where he is required to do everything and more and still find that it is not quite enough. 

Then there is the business of "sense of self" - that thing that was worth waging war over. That has not changed too much. I am over-sensitive to the point of being paranoid. There is nothing that DB can say to me without me wondering if this would be the beginning of a covert campaign to hijack who I am and replace that with who he would like me to be. I bristle at the very idea, kick scream and protest with so much passion that he cannot correlate cause and effect. 

If there is light at the end of this tunnel, it is hard to see it from where I am now.

Collective Wisdom

Marriage to DB brought home a few painful realizations for me. After all (I think) I went through after my previous marriage came undone leaving with no option but to leave with a three month old baby, I mistakenly believed that my job (this time around) was done when I found the right man. As much as DB is the right man for me, it turns out that the relationship still takes a lot of work to nurture and keep healthy. I realize that I was not "owed" a low maintenance and zero effort marriage because of anything I suffered in the past.

It took at least a few months to even come to this understanding though making peace with it is quite another matter. Then there was the question "What next ?". The most reasonable approach might seem to seek some counseling, try and resolve my resistance to the smallest change in my former way of life, my unreasonable phobia of confrontation and finally my tendency to take an all or nothing stance on things were a more modulated, middle of the road position may be more productive. 

Even before we got married, DB had suggested we get some counseling together being that we come into this relationship with considerable baggage from the past. I scoffed at the idea. In my mind, if two otherwise competent adults need external intervention to help resolve their relationship issues, they have abdicated control over their collective destiny. Why would it be impossible to analyze and discuss the issues at hand and come up with a remedy if both parties were invested in finding a solution ? DB let it slide and only now am I beginning to realize the merits of what he had suggested. 

I no longer find it necessary to retain custody of the relationship by refusing to discuss a problem with an outsider. While I have yet to come around to the idea of a professional counselor, I do talk with friends about some of our challenges. They share with me what they have learned from mistakes and successes in their own relationships. My friend M said to me something to me yesterday that should have been completely self-evident to me but was not. 

DB always buys me thoughtful little gifts - something that would make my life a little less stressful. It could a blue-tooth device for my phone so I did not have to fuss with a ringing phone on the commute, a nice kettle because I drink a lot of tea and am often clumsy with the saucepan in which I boil the water for it.

Or it could be buying me an assortment of dark chocolate because that's my favorite thing or remembering to replenish my supply of Darjeeling tea. Recently we were at a concert by a musician I had a huge teenage crush on. After the performance, DB braved the crowds to buy me a DVD that I could get an autograph on. This while keeping an eye on J and trying to get a picture of my and my hero.

He notices what stresses me out and what makes me happy and tries his best to diminish the former while increasing the later. Though I make every effort to ease his life,  I have yet to buy him a gift. Some days ago in the middle of an argument, he mentioned this as one of the things that caused him disappointment. I would have never imagined I could be accused of being too prosaic and here I was being told exactly that and not entirely without cause.

When I recounted this to M she said "Always pay attention to what your partner does for you that makes you happy and try to do the same thing for them. If he is so attentive to your needs, you can be sure he will be delighted to see you are to his too - it must be important to him and that's why he does it as often as he does" 

Nothing could be more common-sensical and yet it had not occurred to me. Like M, there are other friends who have told me things that I have pondered over. The ideas they have collectively suggested has made me reconsider my way of doing things and actually making positive changes. I still believe there is more power in the collective wisdom of people in myriad of life situations and relationship types than a professional with years of scientific training and a learned ability for being completely objective about the problem they are called upon to solve.

A Move

After the marriage, a move happened. I used to think I lived simply, had very few belongings and could leave everything behind when it was time to move. In reality that is not quite how it worked out. The detritus of a decade clung to me a gooey mass of memories. The pack and move was the easier part - a couple of meltdowns notwithstanding. 

It is only when I started to unpack my belongings in the new closet that I was hit by the dead-weight of the old. In an ideal world, I would throw away everything from the past in lieu of being able to undo the past itself. But doing that is like peeling an onion - the past is laid layer upon layer and if I discarded enough of it, there would be nothing left of me or my life. I experienced an enormous sense of emptiness. Shorn of the baggage, memories and experiences there was no substance to me. I would float away like an soap bubble and the dissolve into nothingness. 

DB has yet to unpack his belongings but I doubt he will experience anything like what I did. He is simply cut of a different cloth. Unlike me, he lives in the moment and looks ahead. No matter what happened in his past, he never allows it to drag him down. On a bad day, DB will be down for a few hours and bounce right back. He is not the kind of person who will remember in painful detail when he last wore a particular article of clothing, the events of that day and allow those memories to intrude into the here and now. That is one of the things I love about him. 

He would be able to relate a lot better to the feeling of oneness that I experienced with him when I blended the spices from our kitchens together. As I did that , there was a sense of things of disparate provenance coming together very harmoniously. Unlike the closet, where the past engulfs and envelopes me, the kitchen is where it blends effortlessly into the present. I wonder why that is.

Coming Into Sunlight

Marriage after divorce and single parenthood for close to ten years is like coming out into glaring sunlight after living in permanent semi darkness. 

Until recently, the need to conform to societal expectations had been minimal if at all - I could focus exclusively on a couple of things without having to worry about that taking away from other obligations that are intrinsic to a two parent household. Raising J in the way I wanted, getting better at what I do for a living and being able to take on more challenging assignments - was all I cared about. Then there was the blog that I fed  a lot of my energy into, instead of seeking out or nurturing real life social relationships.

It was a very much cocoon - closed, sometimes rather suffocating but almost always safe. I did not have to compare against the standard benchmarks of relative to peer group success. They were "them" and not in my situation. What applied to "regular" people did not apply to me because I had challenges like they did not - at least that was my way of explaining my off the grid existence. More likely than not, I needed an excuse to not deal with the additional pressures of conformity and this seemed a perfectly reasonable one.

Now, that DB, J and I are a "regular" family unit, I feel like I have been propelled into the real world after a long hiatus. The "excuses" that served me so well for almost a decade ring a little hollow. A random Linked In or Facebook Invite can force me to take stock of my life, answer the question "Am I where I should have been by now ?" and worse begin to think about how to make up for the ten year lag in short order. 

While I lived in recluse for a decade, what used to be my world has moved on. Seeing as it is now is almost Rip Van Winkle-esque to me and there are days when I get overly anxious about making up for lost time forgetting to realize that no time was lost that has to now be made up. I just happened to use the time differently and am none the worse for it.

This is like meeting at an intersection after a long journey that took two travelers through entirely different routes and experiences along the way. Who they were at the time of parting ways and who they are at the time of reunion is determined by the journey each undertook. Mine was different than "theirs" and I can't trace back the path they traveled just to know what I missed while on mine. 

As easy as it is for me to process this logically in my mind, getting the heart to accept it sometimes a lot harder.

Mismatched Pace

Marriage more than anything else is about opposite personality types being drawn together. DB and I are unlike each other in very significant ways.What had seemed entirely about a great balance of strengths and weaknesses at first is turning out to be an adjustment challenge. I, for instance, thrive on pursuing my goals with zeal and determination. If there is a task at hand, I refuse it give it less than my fullest and best. What is more, I don't wait - I get to work immediately.

DB is slower, far more deliberate and likes to mull things over - for a very long time. Once he is good and ready he can act very fast. I am a sprinter and he is a marathon runner. Very different skills, strengths, strategies and end games even. So here we are with me sprinting and waiting for him to catch up, growing tired that the finish line is so far away. DB on the contrary is completely comfortable with his pace because he is not in the business of sprinting at all. Every time I have to break my stride and pause, I grow frustrated with him for being so slow. He does not understand how I could reasonably expect for him to go at my pace and still travel the distance.

Maybe in a few years we will both adjust our pace to reach somewhere between a sprint and a marathon. A pace and destination that will give us both what we need.

Taking A Chance

Late one night, a few weeks after our marriage I felt strangely compelled to share with DB things about my past that he did not know in complete, painful detail. Full disclosure in marriage can be like a coin toss. You may get the outcome you desire - come closer than ever and deepen you emotional connection with your partner or begin to sow the seeds of discontent, mistrust and distance.A lot of well meaning people have always told me not to say too much because the consequences can difficult.

When I decided that night I had to tell DB because he was my husband - it did not matter before that he did not know but he had to now so I could be at peace with myself. We talked for hours.The experience was cathartic for me but not entirely devoid of trepidation. The toss had fallen in my favor. Then DB told me his story - vignettes from the past I had heard before came to life in full color. Missing links between years, events and people were connected. From being two dimension, monochromatic sketches our lives became fluid and panoramic.We were able to appreciate the sum total of the  experiences that formed and defined us much better.

We had consciously taken a risk that could have been avoided without needing the omission to weigh on our conscience. Everything consequential we needed to know about  each other we already did before we got married. The painful minutiae of the past was not nearly as material and yet not having shared that made our acceptance of each other incomplete - even flimsy. What a huge difference taking that chance made.

Ghosts From Past

The ghosts of marriage past come to haunt me fairly early this time around. There was a certain gravitas associated with the word marriage which I believed I more than fully experienced the first time around. I don't know if that is still true. Eleven years ago, I decided to give myself up in my entirety so that the marriage would thrive. As I learned, it was simply too much of a good thing - because of how deeply I was invested, I felt unappreciated and cheated because there was nothing more left for me to give. Then there were expectations of what I should receive in return that were simply not fulfilled.

After the divorce, I refused to repeat the mistake of opening up without caution or restraint in any relationship. While I limited my emotional involvement and suffering, it also made it impossible for me to overcome the traumatic events that led the end of my first marriage - the scars never fully healed. With DB in my life now, I have one of two choices. I could be my natural self and drag him through the weeds as I fight my resurrected demons by the light of day. Alternately, I could maintain a deliberately neutral demeanor that does not reflect my true nature, wage wars against what I must in silence without discomfiting him in any way.

Both options have their merits but the later is possible more fair and less stressful on DB. Often, a jumble of half-formed thoughts and an outpouring of emotions will come up to the heart and ready to burst out in a torrent of words but at the final moment, I can't quite say it because I fear I will say it all wrong - that it will do more harm than good to say anything. The impedance between my feelings and my power of expression is simply too great for anything to make sense.

This is specially a dilemma for two people who believe in open and honest communication as a means to forge a lasting bond. It is not as if I doubt the efficacy of communication itself - only my ability to articulate the complexity of what I am experiencing in a way that is coherent and cohesive to someone relatively new in my life. By when I find my way, the moment has passed. I am not yet at the point, where I might expect to fare any better or different the next time around.

Part of me wants to risk giving myself without condition or restraint - once again. DB is the kind of man who deserves nothing less. That I am not able to do so without fear of consequences, leaves me feeling both frustrated and guilty. Yet to open up like I must would be to him a lot like dredging through a pile of sludge,stone and sand to reach clear water. Even with his patience, it could be an unpleasant and irksome undertaking. Some days, I wish for time to wind back to over a decade ago, before the first ghost of the past came to haunt - that I had more to offer to DB than a tangled web of contradictions and angst that I seem to have become.

For years, I had sought true companionship and with DB I now have it. Yet prayers answered don't yield the fulfillment and joy one think will come with it. I discover for instance, that I have forgotten how to be a companion, how to seek and receive the friendship and nurture I so longed for. So there is DB, reaching out to me, trying to pry open my heart gently, deliberately and sometimes forcefully. In response, I shrink more into my clam-shell refusing to meet him halfway. I want to believe that ghosts from the past cannot haunt forever and if two people have the right intent, this too shall pass.

Changing Pace

This blog has been a big part of my life for the last five years. Besides giving me the opportunity to connect with a number of interesting people and share my thoughts and ideas with them, it has been a form of daily meditation for me. No matter what the day threw my way, I made a very deliberate effort to find a little quiet time to write.The process of thinking about what to write and then the act of writing itself worked as an antidote to aggravations big and small.

Five and half years ago, when I started Heartcrossings both my personal and professional lives left a lot to be desired for. The only real happiness I had was in being J's mother. While that was often enough to make me forget what I did not have, I sorely needed a third place to call my own and shape in the likeness of my dreams. This blog has been where there were no limits or constraints and that was absolutely exhilarating - it is the reason I have been able to nurture it for as long and as much as I have.

A lot has changed since then. Professionally, I have found my niche and am happy with where am today and can be in the future. The idea of being a single mother transitioned from being a handicap to being a source of strength. The most recent change in has been my marriage to a wonderful man whom I will refer to as DB. As we build our new life together  and work on J getting comfortable with having a father in her life, I will need to take time and energy away from my favorite third place of over five years. I will continue to write here but not as frequently and I may also take a different very direction with my blog.

I hope all of you who read this blog will continue to check in every once in a while.