Lack of Resolution

As soon as I spotted T at the table by the window, I could tell she was bursting with news. It had taken us a week and a couple of reschedules to meet for lunch - it certainly helped for my calendar to be wide open everyday or this would have taken months. I was not wrong about the "news". Even before I had taken my coat off she announced "Do you remember M ?" I had a bad feeling about this one right away. 

M was someone she had introduced me to several years ago in her overzealous effort to pair me up. The guy was nice enough but clearly not right for me. We met a couple of times and went our separate ways. That was the last time T played match-maker and I was in a sense grateful to M for this."Yes, I do" I replied. "Guess who he got married to last month ?" I had no idea. It turns out that his wife is T's boss at work. 

I realized that piece of information in itself was not the "news" she was bursting to share. "Well, he has a profile up on Match pictures and all and another girl I know has been talking to him for months ! What a creep ! I realized it was M when she told me about this cool guy she met online but hasn't met for real yet. He travels a lot on the job - what a load of bullcrap !" T continued without pause before I could ask what was newsworthy about her boss marrying M. 

"So are you planning on ratting him out ?" I asked. "That is exactly the problem. Clearly, I can't tell my boss. I could tell this girl but she is a bit of a lose cannon - I have no idea what she'll do when she find out who his wife is. What do you think ?" T replied.

I was wondering if M's wife already knew what he was up to and was deciding to turn a blind eye to save face and maintain what she can of her dignity in this sordid situation. He was not even taking the trouble to hide his pictures on his profile and was talking to a girl in the same town - he was cheating on his wife with complete impunity. He could not even be bothered to follow the 50 mile rule to spare her embarrassment.

T's boss is a desi woman in her mid forties. She had gone to medical school in India and  earned a bunch of advance degrees in this country. She headed up a research lab in town. According to T, she was very attractive and looked years younger she really was. M is just a run of the mill IT drone with a fairly limited world view and an over-sized ego. It is sad enough that the woman with so much going for herself would have to settle for one such as M but to add insult to injury, one such as M would take her for granted to the point he would humiliate her so blatantly. That is all I could think about.

I had no idea what T should do under the circumstances - maybe turn a blind eye as well and let the three of them deal with it. So here I was, looking forward to lunch with an old friend, wanting to share some of the things on my mind - the feeling of lightness and purposelessness during my time off, not having the wherewithal to enjoy some downtime without going crazy and I am called upon to resolve a moral dilemma.

Relationship Stalemate

My friend K has been in the single and mingling state for a bit now. The last time we chatted, she told me about someone who was "at least 90%" right for her. Before I could get too excited about it she added "but it's not going anywhere - hasn't for months". When I asked her why so she explained she was also only 90% right for him and for this man that was not good enough. He refused to "settle" no matter how long it took him to find exactly what he was looking for. "So you are saying that he acknowledges that you are 90% of what he is looking for and yet that does not close the deal ?" I asked incredulously and K confirmed my understanding of the situation to be correct.

As we talked some more, it turned out that the offending 10% that had put their relationship in stalemate mode and even threatened to end it had to do with the one thing that was non-negotiable for both of them . Whatever it was ( I thought it imprudent to probe for any detail), K was one side of the issue and the man was on the other - there was no middle ground where they could meet. And without having this sticking point resolved, movement forward was impossible.

I asked her if this perhaps a way for one (if not both of them) to avoid closure because it was too scary to be seriously committed and God forbid get married. "You know, I have asked myself that very question. I don't think that's the case for me. I feel irritated that he is so stubborn about something that is not so very important in the first place. He can easily come around to accepting what I want and not have lost that much. Instead, he wants to let everything go over it. That's stupid" she said with more than a tinge of anger in her voice.

I wondered if that was not exactly how the man felt as well - she was stupid to let it all go over something relatively trivial. I asked her if she was ready to move on and K replied that was hard because when you come to 90% of all you desire finding equal or better is virtually impossible. "What's the deal with him ?" I asked. "Looking around and I hope he keeps looking until hell freezes over" she replied.

It seemed to me that they both took perverse pleasure in impeding the other's ability to move on and yet did nothing to bring their own relationship to fruition. Knowing K the little that I do, I know she will be over him very quickly if she met someone new that interested and excited her. The problem appeared to be that this 90% guy had made that quite difficult for her and was causing her much aggravation. I had to tell K that this resembled a staring contest to me - each waiting for the other to blink, settling on a balance of power that favored them over the other person. Could ability to trust be an issue perhaps ? "Maybe" she admitted. They have both been through some pretty rough relationships in the past.

Since she was looking for some friendly advise on the situation at hand I suggested she ask this guy what if it took him another ten years to find that elusive 100% he is looking for today only to discover that he does not care about the 10% which has become a huge show stopper between them. As for her, I encouraged to her move on in sober earnest and get over all this percentage nonsense as soon as possible. There are many "right" people for any one person. To choose one over the other is not "settling" but being wise and prudent. It demonstrates the ability to recognize a kindred spirit - just as flawed and imperfect as we are ourselves. I hope she will be in a place of peace and happiness instead of being in a state of limbo where she is right now - believing as she does that some day the man will have the sense to see that 90% is good enough and want to spend life the rest of his life with her.

Being Free

It starts with seeing a face, a certain light of smile and a tenor of voice that speaks of an inexplicable, unknown connection. It is an attraction strong enough to overcome that inner voice of caution that urges you to resist, to desist. You feel it the first time and every time.This is a charge that does not fade over time, it only grows stronger. This person is not your type in more ways than you can count. It is the relationship you get into fully prepared to be hurt and also know it will lead absolutely nowhere.

And yet, against your better judgment you allow your heart and soul into it, sometime rushing headlong in a state of euphoria or slowly, dreamlike almost unaware of what is happening to you. The magic lasts for a while and then suddenly the spell is broken, you begin to hurt past the threshold of pain. Your preparedness for disappointment is not nearly enough for what comes when the end comes as it inevitably must. You remain in denial as you try to cope, regain the life you had before you met this person. You ask yourself why you allowed this to happen knowing fully well such would be the consequences.

You want to gouge out the best and worst memories of your time together because echoing emptiness is better than searing pain. It is your debt of karma that must be paid. You suffer until there is nothing left to burn and turn to ash. One day you realize your atonement is over and you are finally free. You see that face again and this time that charge is simply not there. The same tilt in a smile and a tenor of voice but it no longer resonates with you. That is when you know you are truly over.

You can sit down and have a coffee together, chat about life and work, shake hands and leave promising to catch up another time fully knowing you never will - there will be no urge to do so. When you walk out on the street and see their form melting into the crowds, and feel no stab of pain in your heart, you know that you are free at last. You can feel the wind in your hair, notice the wildflowers eeking out a life in the cracks of the sidewalk - you know what it is to feel alive again - specially when you have no debts left to pay.

Prescience And Hindsight

I was meeting my friend E after a very long time. Since she had relocated, our contact has been limited to occasional phone calls and even fewer emails. So when she happened to be in my neck of the woods on business, we were excited to catch-up. In a segue from my comment about lack of reliable music reviews and my growing unfamiliarity with the scene, E went on to music from the 70s. That in turn brought back memories of her teens, having sex for the first time and such.

By her own admission, E has had a rich and varied love life - something she has mentioned to me earlier with more regret than pride - or that is how it seemed to me. That evening she said something I had not heard before "I suffered from low self-esteem and insecurity well into by 20s and 30s. The only way I knew to feel good about myself was to be wild and free. I needed men to tell me how beautiful I was, how much they desired me so I could feel I had some value. Nothing else did it for me. I was willing to do anything to have them say that"

In her late thirties, E seemed to have an epiphany about her motivations and began to understand why she had been through so many short-lived relationships - the sex was always great but emotionally she felt more and more depleted. She started to feel like she was giving herself away without receiving anything tangible in return. It was her moment of truth and her lifestyle started to change dramatically from that point on.

I know a few women of E's age and have heard them say very similar things about how they had been in their youth what motivated their behavior when it came to relationships. Similarly, I know women younger than me walking in the footsteps of E's generation, repeating their "mistakes" all over again. Yet there is a certain profoundness in learning life lessons the hard way which simply cannot be compared to the life experience of someone who is merely following their convictions without putting their value system to test.

E and others like her have often told me that I am wise beyond my years given my views on relationships and my life will end up being better and happier (not to mention infinitely less complicated) than their as a result of it. As gratifying as that is for me to hear, I don't imagine for a minute that I will have ever the same perspective as they do. In the end, it does not matter if our actions are guided by prescience or hindsight, we still win some and lose some.

Selfishness And Courtship

I was reading The Selfish Gene - 30th Anniversary Edition recently and went over the battle of sexes chapter a little more closely than I had in my initial reading. I wondered what Dawkins would say of courtship rituals in the world where connections are mostly made online and there is room for both males and females to court any number of prospects at the same time. The theoretical maximum only subject to how many suitors a man or a woman can juggle simultaneously without losing their sanity.

According to Dawkins of an extended courtship period benefits both the man and the woman for different reasons - specially where the woman was more coy than fast and the man more faithful than philanderer. Such a pair in today's world could be checking out a number of other suitable matches within a long courtship window and still not become fast or philandering - they would merely be doing due diligence by checking out the offerings in the market. There seems to be no great benefit accruing to either party in the process except feeling confused by the choices available and the feeling frustrated by the lack of progress towards intermediate goals in the larger domestic-bliss strategy.

Assuming the fundamental premise of the selfish gene, how would humans adapt to the forces of cyberculture and social media that are getting more and more twined with their relationships. Do they not need to update their battle strategies or are we as a race going through a period of evolution where our genes have not quite figured out the best way forward. Would love to see more detailed analysis and discussion on this theme.

Fourth Way

Unless you are a woman all of whose girlfriends are married, chances are that you often find yourself listening to someone who is going through relationship problems and wants to share their woes with you. Over the years, the common theme I have seen come from these outpourings is one of feeling extreme emotional vulnerability. This state of mind is particularly confusing to a woman who views herself as liberated, open-minded and a free agent doing as she pleases without being beholden to societal expectations of her gender.

Fifteen to twenty years ago in India, it was not commonplace for women to be in a physically intimate relationship before marriage. That has since changed. Those who moved west at the time were able to bring such change into their lives even earlier. "Empowerment" to live freely came to both only at different times in their lives.

Up to this point, it all sounds good. The girls no longer feel like their net worth in the marriage market is dependent entirely on the possession of an unruptured hymen. Sadly, other problems have taken their place. In the brave new world, desi women are willing and able to enter into a physically intimate relationship without having a wedding date calendared. However, to alleviate the feelings of guilt associated with being in such a state, they allow (indeed require) love to lead them there.

So when men turn out not to have any serious intent or are simply not prepared to take on the responsibility of marriage but want to continue in a friends plus benefits arrangement, women start to become progressively unhappy. They are no longer sure, if what they have going on is what they really want. The happiness of unbridled freedom is soured by a gnawing sense of doubt often tinged with hopelessness. Then there are all the complications that come into play with the man morphing suddenly into Mama's boy who allows his family to find him a bride and pretends the relationship did not even exist. Often, that's where a girlfriend such as yours truly is called and gets to be the much needed damp shoulder.

As much as I want to be helpful to my sisters in times of distress, I can't but help point out the fatal flaw in their ways. I don't say this from any kind of moral high ground at all. I have told several of them that they need to recalibrate a little and things will improve dramatically. If they feel the need for intimacy they can just have that and leave. There is simply no need to perpetuate a very temporal thing into an unnecessary relationship in order to feel less immoral about it. It is not enough to merely shed physical inhibition (which clearly they have done), it is far more important to rise above the cultural conditioning and shed the moral ones - a far more subtle and therefore insidious impediment to their desire to be free.

It's fair to tell a man that's what it's going to be - a short duration liaison with no end game and they can go their separate ways after that. It is important to end things definitively and not leave them unresolved and therefore the door open for emotional entanglement  - something I notice girls don't do so well. If someone looks like serious marriage material then this would clearly not be the way to proceed. One woman said "That's like using and throwing them". I agreed that may be a way of looking at it except when the rules of engagement are made clear from the start, the word "use" does not apply any more.

Being that men generally like women to be emotionally involved while in a "relationship", intimacy without that connection is often quite meaningless to them. Many will never agree to be part of such an arrangement. Having enjoyed the privilege of being the party that decides when and how to end things, it may be quite painful not being able to do so.

Alternately, I suggest they could go through the motions of being deeply in love with the man and keep themselves emotionally detached. So when the end comes, there will not be any broken pieces to be picked up. The man gets to have a well satiated ego and she is truly free. It seems to be a win-win situation (unless you count the inability to trust or become be the kind of person someone else cannot trust) even if based on deception.

If neither works then they have no choice but to become like me - a non-participating bystander watching the dating gaming shenanigans and providing acerbic though not necessarily astute commentary. It is fairly entertaining but provides little else besides. "Isn't there a fourth way ? Like two people starting as friends, being in committed relationship and then getting married" a woman asked me recently.

That is entirely in the realm of possible but the more I hear form my girlfriends about what they go through in the process of trying to find (and keep) love, the more the "fourth way" sounds like a modern day Cinderella story. The only difference being these women don't wait for their prince to show up with the glass slipper. They have taken matters into their own hands and are willing to kiss many frogs along the way to finding their man. Somewhere in that muddle of mixed metaphors of fairy tale references, the frogs end up remaining frogs, kisses notwithstanding and the other slipper goes missing along with the prince who was supposed to find them.

Dating And Rejection

I was walking home after dropping J off at her friend’s house. Other than some chores, I did not have much to do that evening. So when N, my neighbor asked me over to join her in her balcony for a drink,the timing was perfect. N teaches physics at a local college and is a single mother like myself. Her son is getting ready to go to high school this fall. At forty something, N is very attractive and in great shape thanks to her workout discipline. If you’ve spent any time with her you would not fail to notice the bracing sense of humor and a sharp mind.

When conversation turned to relationships (she has recently parted ways with a boyfriend of a couple of years), N mentioned some of her challenges. She does not have the time to meet people “off-line” the good old-fashioned way. When her family or friends try to set her up, the pressure is too high for things to go well - plus she hates it when people "check in" after the date to see how things went.She does not want to have a picture on her profile on a dating site – to be seen by a student would be much too embarrassing. Apparently, men she contacts (which is more often the case because her picture-less profile garners very limited attention) ask to see a picture right away. She has lost count of the number of times they have written back to say “Thanks for the pictures, but I am not interested” or something along the lines that is equally blunt.

I had a really hard time processing this. The average forty something guy would be hard pressed to find a woman in his age group that looks as good as N does and that is not even counting everything else she brings to the table as a person. In physical appearance and fitness level she can still give women in their late twenties a run for their money - “Why on earth would they do that ? Are these guys looking to date only women who have been Miss Universe within the last five years ?” I asked. N’s response gave me much to think about.

She reasons that men who are not secure in their own manhood (literally and figuratively) feel empowered at least temporarily by rejecting a woman based on her looks – despite all the gains women have in gender equality, this is still culturally the cruelest cut of all. More likely than not, they will reject a woman who appears confident about herself and her place in the world - someone who is not in need of a man's validation of her worth.

Rejection helps them establish that they and not the woman are in control. A lot of women are not equipped to handle such rejection (specially when it happens over and over again and they are over a certain age) well. It undermines their confidence and makes them vulnerable in relationships that they do get into.It was not so long ago, that my friend K, who moonlights as a model, was told by a guy that he "felt no chemistry" seeing her picture. That comment prompted her to call me to talk about it. N probably had a point about rejection chipping away at a woman's self esteem - it had certainly bothered K.

According to N, if a man is indeed a man (I will skip the colorful language she used to emphasize her point about what it takes to be a real man), he is likely to compliment a woman on her looks sincerely – her eyes, the slant of her throat,her skin tone, the shape of her lips, the texture of her hair, the curve of her body – whatever it is about her that is really nice, he will notice it and tell her how he finds her attractive. When a man is able to do this, a woman should know he will not disappoint her in bed as well. This is the kind of man who is able to bring out the best in a woman emotionally and physically. Whether or not the relationship works out in the end, he would have impacted her life in a positive way. “In a way, it’s good for me to get rejected by guys based on my looks” N laughed. “Who wants to waste time with losers who won’t even be decent lays. Life is too short”.

In N’s mind, it is perfectly okay for a man to not feel attracted to a woman for a variety of reasons even if she were considered good looking by most standards (my friend K comes to mind as an example). However, the manner in which he extracts himself from the situation says everything about what kind of man he is – namely if he is self-assured, confident and most importantly virile. As far as N is concerned being a “picture- rejecter” is the calling card of an uncultured cad (for obvious reasons) with a near certainty of being entirely underwhelming in bed. In short, imminently avoidable irrespective of the woman's relationship goals. N loves guys who don’t ask to see a picture (are thrilled if she sends them some), are curious to learn what she is all about, enjoy talking to her and set up a date just to get to know her better.

This is the kind of man who makes her want to look her absolute best on their date - exceed any expectations he may have had. “How does it usually go ?” I asked. “Swimmingly well. No exceptions” N replied. Unfortunately the garden variety “picture-rejecter” is dime a dozen, the other type is a rare find. And so on a Friday evening, when her son is with her ex, N has to content herself chatting with a girlfriend instead of being out on an exciting date with a man who can for a few hours dissolve the many stresses of the week, make her laugh and feel totally desirable.

I tell N, may it’s not men – it’s all those pesticides at work feminizing them. Maybe we reason, they are going through this transitional phase when they are losing touch with the masculine in them but have not become fully feminine yet. According to our bizarre theory, in this transitional stage, they might have a strongly negative reaction to any woman who challenges them to be more male than they are able to be. That would explain the patently inexplicable phenomenon of why one such as N (or my buddy K) would get “picture rejected” time after time in by men in the dating pool. By then, it was time for me to go fetch J and I had to defer the discussion of our fascinating hypothesis for another time.

Clean Break

As much as we might like it, some things from the past refuse to cleave neatly from our lives. My friend L came out of a difficult and loveless marriage with two young children a few years ago.Her ex decided to move back to India leaving L and the kids to fend for themselves here in America. L believes the decision was motivated mainly by the fact he did not want to take responsibility for any of them. They had been married for five years at before the end came and had known each for a couple of years before their marriage.

Her ex has recently remarried and L has a steady boyfriend. It would seem dispersed fragments of everyone's lives have come together after a fashion and there might be peace and renewal yet. There is only one small snag. L has found out from a friend who knows both her and her ex, that he has not told his new wife about the kids he had with L. He has created an alternate reality of his past life with L. According to that narrative, those children don't exist. L's friend wants to know if she should speak up or let sleeping dogs lie. "What do you think I should do ?" L asked me as she struggled between outrage and resignation.

Her kids are too young to have an opinion in the matter and her boyfriend is comfortable with whatever her decision might be. Her family would prefer she moved on with her life and not confront her ex over the issue. They reason, it is only by random chance that she found out about this lie being perpetuated by her ex, so she has no obligation to do anything about it.

Both L and I have experienced the crumbling of marriage and have a keen sense of solidarity with women whose marriages are built on shaky foundations. I fully appreciate her quandary but am hard pressed to recommend a course of action. We both realize that finding out the truth now would be far less damaging for this woman than discovering twenty years later. Does L owe this woman the truth or does she hold her peace and allow her suffer the consequences in due season. She will probably have to end up making peace with her instinct for self preservation being stronger than that of sisterhood with another woman.

Chance Remark

I met a group of former co-workers for lunch a few days ago. The group was diverse in many ways besides ethnicity and cultural background. We had among us those who were  young and still single, older and suddenly single, married for two decades and those who were in relationships that Facebook would categorize as "It's Complicated"

While we were waiting for our lunch, conversation turned to L's long time girlfriend who is yet to come into an engagement ring and has been prodding him to challenge the status quo. M made a comment mainly directed to L that stayed stuck in my head. "You should always choose your spouse with the greatest care. Any amount of time you need to make a decision is fair. After all, that is the only relationship in your life where you even have the ability to choose. You get the parents, family and siblings without your input or consent and its the same with your children. Your spouse is the only person you have the power to choose." M is married now but it took him a very long time to decide who he would choose to marry.

Clearly, his thoughts resonated with everyone around the table - and particularly with L who must have felt vindicated in his commitment phobia. Anyone who has dated for any length of time is all too familiar with hold-outs. These are the people who bring a lot to the table and have equally high (often deeply unrealistic) expectations from their partner. Like M, they want to choose with utmost care and deliberation. They refuse to rush or be rushed into a lifetime commitment against their will.

It does not matter if the process is emotionally (and sometimes even physically) debilitating. They will go on looking for this ideal partner for years and decades if so required - they refuse to end up with someone in an accident of fate.

That would explain the western world view of arranged marriages and the disenchantment with this system among the liberated and progressive minded in the east.Like their western counterparts, they have started to believe in the myth of being free agents when it comes to selecting a spouse. They honestly believe that their steadfast refusal to make a decision is an exercise of free will and it is critically important to have this ability if one wishes to choose wisely and well.

It seems to me that the more time anyone has spent discarding what and who does not work for them, the harder it is for them to exercise this supposed "free will" when time comes to make a choice. They have whittled down their options to just one - the last one standing by the process of elimination and not as a consequence of them being the chosen one.

This was obviously the wrong kind of crowd for me to say anything about the wonders of surrender and resignation, let alone suggest that if everything else in our life was pre-ordained or completely random, there is no logical reason for the spouse to be the solitary exception. We go through our lives with imperfect parents, siblings and kids that we did not get to choose and can suffer disproportionately due to the spouse that  we did get to select. Maybe there is something to be said for the lack of choice after all.
 

I held my peace and enjoyed the exceptional Caribbean Chicken Salad instead.

Disambiguation

When it comes to infidelity there can sometimes be shades of gray. To that extent, can unresolved ambiguity be better than the starkly black and white is the question that comes to mind reading this article about text messages being the new lipstick on the collar. All relationships are not build equal so neither to do they have equal resilience and ability to recover from a breach of trust.

But when infidelity is completely disambiguated and reduced to a time-stamped message (voice or text), it has got to be challenging even for the most rock solid of relationships. There is no room to invent an excuse for the erring partner, pretend that is it all unsubstantiated rumor, reduce the degree of omission - maybe one's own jealousy playing tricks. There is no room for imagination, readjustment and in the process rapprochement.

The finality of the digital evidence may be simply too strong to fight against.

Best Friend Plus

I had an interesting relationship conversation with a gay friend recently. She has been with her partner for over twenty years now and a lesson she learned from the ups and downs of their relationship is useful for anyone. B has come to realize the pitfalls of expecting the significant other to also be one's best friend. The two can and likely should be different people, though some people may find one person who can be both.

While that can be a happy coincidence, it is never good idea to enter a relationship with that being the expectation. Sometimes best friendship can actually undermine the chemistry between two people. A little friction between them can on the contrary, help keep the spark alive. According to be B, when we are drawn into a relationship by the strong bonds of friendship or once in it expect that to blossom magically, things can go really wrong.

This is a mistake I know I have made at least once. In R (my ex), I did have a best friend but he was just not the kind of husband I needed. He was never meant to be both but I insisted upon it and the rest is history. I am sure, I was a disappointment to him for the same reasons and like me he wanted for me to be more than what I was able to be to him. Having lost both companionship (as inadequate as that had been) and my closest friend, set the tone for  future relationships as well. I was asking for too much and was naturally disappointed.

In my own way, I have arrived at the same conclusion as B. The realization helped me nurture the close friendships of many years standing, that I had neglected in the tumult of marriage and the aftermath of divorce. With the need for friendship satisfied, I was able to focus on what I really sought in a relationship and was surprised to discover that my needs were very simple.

A Child's View

A few weeks ago J and I met with a friend, her kids and her boyfriend for dinner. Like me, the woman is desi but unlike me she has dated and continues to do so hoping that will in time, lead her to the right man. We both came out of arranged marriages that did not work out. Her position (and it is a fairly common one in the circumstances) is that not spending time together ahead of time was the reason that marriage did not work out. This time around, she will not be rushed or rush into things. 

The man has been part of her household for the last couple of years, the kids like him but do not want her to marry him. That makes things complicated for her because at some point, they have to take the logical next step with their relationship or end it. I was curious about J's take on what she saw - specially because she can relate to the woman and kids very directly. This is a lot different from seeing an American single mom and her household - there is an expectation that the cultural difference will account for the unfamiliar life style choices even if that were not true.

J said what she has said before "I want you to have a husband and me to have a daddy but I don't want you to date - a boyfriend would confuse me" I found it surprising how the same situation can lead kids to have entirely different ideas on how they would like to see things unfold. In a sense, our kids are being supportive of the direction we have chosen to take.

Since L, my friend has dated men in the past and continues to do so, her children want her to remain in that pattern and not disrupt it with a marriage. They have grown comfortable seeing their mother move in and out of relationships and have come to accept it as the natural order of their life. J on the other hand, has never seen me be in a relationship but wants to have a family. In her mind, that can happen only when I am married. Me having a boyfriend does not give her what she wants and she extends that to mean it is not what would serve me well either.

Lost Charm

In his book Falling Of the Map, Pico Iyer writes "When we chose a place to visit, the way a country carries itself and markets itself - the way it knows itself, really - is everything. We flee certain resorts not just because they are touristed but more because they have begun to see themselves through tourists' eyes, to amend themselves to tourists' needs, to carry themselves in capital letters : because in short,  they have simplified themselves into their sense of what a foreigner wants."

He goes on to say that Vietnam "still has the bashful charm of a naturally alluring girl stepping out into bright sunlight after years of dark seclusion"

I could not help drawing a parallel between Iyer's examination of what makes a destination more or less attractive to what makes a person more or less interesting to a potential partner. "Touristed" might translate to having had multiple relationships in the process of trying to find "the one". To that end, the longer someone stays in the dating pool, the more "touristed" they become.

The process specially over an extended period of time would likely make the person more amenable to "amend" and "simplify" themselves until there is no "charm" or "allure" left in them. They arrive at that point carrying their need to be a relationship in "capital letters" and in doing so, drive away the more discerning among potential partners. The romantic partner equivalent of an astute traveler like Iyer may not by stopping by to be with them.

On A Taut Leash

Recently I got some interesting relationship advice from a pretty unlikely source. H and I went to grade school together and he is among the few childhood friends that I am still in touch with. When I decided to marry R (my ex), H's reaction was one of honest puzzlement - WTF more likely. However, he held his peace figuring that things that don't in the normal course of life make any sense do in marriage. He was at time in a "quasi-serious relationship" but not quite "ready for prime-time" as in for the responsibilities that go with marriage. It was not a situation I found particularly easy to comprehend but as an old buddy, I wished him well with whatever he had going on.

A few years later when H was good and ready and had finally found the woman he wanted to marry, I had a reaction very similar to his would-be bride and just like him, said nothing about it. He seemed genuinely happy to be with her and I hated to be the one to dampen his enthusiasm. Maybe he has changed over the years, maybe he likes this kind of woman now I reasoned.

So here we are many years later. I have been divorced for a while. H was deeply disappointed but not particularly shocked when it happened given his initial reaction to R. His marriage in his own words is a "mutually beneficial and largely peaceful co-existence". They have both decided to tough it out in the best interest of the children and their families - live under the same roof in two different universes that rarely if ever intersect.

H will often exhort me to find a man and get my life back on track and I have to tell him to get off my case and stop being my mother. Recently, I asked him what advice he had for me given the state of his own marriage, my failed one and his long acquaintance with me.

The question was "How do I know someone will work out for me ?". What H had to say on the subject over the course of a few emails was very interesting.

"Sadly, there is no magic formula that I can hand out. In hindsight, I seemed to have gone into a state of trance when I decided to marry the woman who is now my wife. If I was thinking rationally, I would have not done what I did. I have come to believe that connections between people such as in marriage are pre-ordained and every defense mechanism we build to keep us out of harm's way will come undone and push us in the path of this person. Thereafter, we are merely puppets in the hand of Fate.Sometimes we end up okay, sometimes we don't. You just have to take your chances and hope for the best."

"How absolutely encouraging, H !" I wrote back.

"But I do have some advice for women who want to marry. Unless she is able to reel the man in (before marriage) and keep him on a taut (do note the use of the word taut as opposed to tight) leash thereafter, there is little hope for her to marry or remain married well. In my own example, my wife was able to reel me in (and hence we got married) but she has failed to do the rest.

So while we are "technically" married, it is not the kind of relationship either of us had in mind when we exchanged our vows. A woman is always ill-served to lose control in a relationship or marriage and let the man call the shots - that always ends badly. I have to say here that very few women are adept at the fine art of keeping their men on a taut leash."

"So you are saying that I need to be a more equal partner in the relationship ?" I wrote

"Absolutely. There is no other way for you or any other woman. When my daughter comes of age, that is exactly what I will tell her too. Of course, you don't want to come across as a Virago - but you must set the rules of engagement and make sure he plays by them at all times. You concede an inch and he will take a mile and what is worse it will set a bad precedent for all time to come. You would have a set forces in motion that then cannot be controlled. Women are always tempted to concede in order to make quick gains - they end up winning the battle and losing the war.

Getting married is the easy part, making it really work out is much harder. Now, my mother is a woman who knows how to keep the reins in her own hands without chipping away my father's self-worth. I wish my wife had the good sense to learn a few things from her."

I have known H's folks since I was a kid. His father was a serious somewhat dour-faced man. He worked very long hours and said very little to us(H's friends) on the rare occassions that he actually met us. We for our part, did our best to stay out of his way. His mother, a housewife, always looked happy and upbeat - there was a certain peacefulness about her that was hard to miss. Despite the very different temperaments, they looked very comfortable and content together. Maybe H has a point about the taut leash and maybe he should get his mother to write up a how-to book on the subject.

Sita And Hearbreak

Finally got around to watching Sita Sings the Blues. Whether you are Hindu or not, familiar with any one of the many versions of Ramayan or not, you can connect with this film. Nina Paley makes the story of Sita and Rama (in that order) her own. She is not trying to interpret or retell the "original" story but rather projecting herself on Sita's character and discovering parallels between the end of her marriage and that of Ram and Sita.

The idea of introducing Annette Hanshaw's blues to hold the story together is a beautiful one. The sadness and pain of heartbreak is universal. Like one of the shadow puppet narrators in film says if a woman throws herself at a man who is clearly rejecting her, that is not unconditional love but her fault for not knowing the man is not worth the trouble. Yet, women have loved in the face of unfaithfulness, rejection, abuse and more. They have a hard time believing that their feelings are not reciprocated, that they have invested their love and emotions in the wrong place.

Sita's life could be interpreted by some as one of a woman who loved completely and unconditionally but the object of devotions was not a man who deserved what she had to offer. When a woman is dumped, irrespective of the specific circumstances ;leading up to this event, she views herself as grievously wronged and the pain is as Paley describes like a fire that can completely burn her life or fuel something new. Like Sita, she might want to return to the womb and start over. It is wonderful to see the story of Sita interpreted in way that is so accessible to everyone. True to her belief : My first concern is Art, and Art has no life if people can’t share it, Nina Paley has given new life to something with limited reach and appeal.

Sudden Ends

Found this sad and comic link to an YouTube video via Kottke in which JD goes backpacking around Europe for two weeks leaves his phone behind and does not check his email. He thinks he has told his girlfriend that he will be out of pocket but apparently she did not pay attention to what he was saying.

Then she starts emailing him - which is what t he video is about. He ends his story with two observations - one to be careful about falling in love with passionate people because they can be just as extreme in hate as they can be in love the second to keep the phone on while on vacation.

While those are good lessons learned, there is possibly a third - you find out a lot about yourself and your partner when the relationship it put into an unfamiliar, unexpected pattern. In this case, the woman was quick to infer infidelity which suggests that the relationship was not on a very strong footing. She might have been worried sick about the man if his loyalty was completely assured in her mind. The two week hiatus revealed the inherent weakness and flaws in the relationship that may have gone unnoticed and undiscovered for much longer if nothing changed out it's regular pattern.

To that end, it is always useful in a new relationship to put it through some stress tests just to see if it has staying power. Sometimes a long hiatus can be a good way to decide if there is enough mutual interest and attraction to revive the connection or make it permanent.

Bedroom Voice

I have known S for a little over a year now. While that is enough time to form some impressions it is not nearly enough to know anyone with any degree of clarity. S is an over-achiever, a new mother, a corporate climber and a nagging know-it-all. Her denouncements can be as scathing as her praise can be over-the-top. She has a big voice and a bigger personality. With a combination like that, S is a not too easy to get along with and I have found it best to keep myself at safe distance. This is her public face.

Then there is the one she shows when her husband calls her and that can be upwards of ten times in a day. No matter what her frame of mind, or the external circumstances at the time of the call, she will answer his call in what can only be described as a bedroom voice. The conversation goes on for a few minutes each time and she snaps right back into Virago mode after she is done.

We have always watched this transformation back and forth with complete amazement. The less subtle among us have looked at her with open-jawed astonishment. We wonder why she would not get some privacy if she needed to whisper that low and in that suggestive tone of voice. The majority of folks in our vicinity are married or in relationships for various lengths of time. They too have their spouses and significant others calling every once in a while but S is the only one who responds to these calls in the very special the way she does.

We go through our life gathering experiences along the way, some of us having the opportunity to see a lot more than the others. Yet in all of our collective knowledge of the ways of the world, S is clearly a lesson we have yet to learn. We look away from her and at each other, uncomfortably, as she engages in her "quickie" bedroom-voice conversations - it is like being a voyeur except it is not of our own free will. We have no idea how to deal with our discomfort and can't imagine why she would feel none whatsoever.

Freedom From Clock

Many of us have seen women past a certain age make poor (even irrational) choices in as far as selecting a partner to have a child with. The ticking biological clock reaches a crescendo in their lives and they figure it was now or never as far as motherhood. Once that wish is fulfilled and their sanity restored, they are left wondering about who they have partnered for life with and why.

To have a limited set of resources be fully depleted in less than four decades of a her life is possibly the single biggest inequality that a woman has to contend with as she goes through relationships. The men are not similarly constrained and in as such enjoy far higher degrees of freedom. If this study reported in the Washington Post turns out to be for real, that may change that forever.

Scientists have produced strong new evidence challenging one of the most fundamental assumptions in biology: that female mammals, including women, are born with all the eggs they will ever have.

Motherhood without an expiration date will give women the biological parity with men which they have never had before and this should enable then to achieve true equality in their partnerships.

Teen Relationships

Some years ago, after the book Rainbow Party was published, it fell to disgrace because the material was a little too sensationalist to have credibility - at least in the opinion of its critics. Once again the issue of oral sex becoming commonplace for pre-teens and teens in America, is making news and a documentary. Until parents start to become ostriches with heads buried in the sands of denial, this story will likely do its rounds, get discussed and commented on.

Film-maker Sharlene Azam hits the nail on its head when she traces back the behavior of these pretty girls from affluent backgrounds who by their own admission have had wonderful childhoods. In short, there is no reason for them to engage in casual prostitution. She believes that many of them have been hurt and in love and do what they do to protect themselves from bing hurt again.

Azam said she thinks the "no strings attached" romances could be a defense mechanism against a greater disappointment.

"A lot of girls are disappointed in love," she said. "And I think they believe they can hook up the way guys do and not care.

"But unfortunately, they do care."

Claire Shipman advises parents to be constantly engaged in the lives of their children to prevent them from engaging in such activities. That and open communication, rules and boundaries says Shipman should do the trick. While she is right on the importance of all of the above, it would not be enough to deter a young girl who has been hurt and wounded deeply enough to consider doing whatever it takes to protect herself.

The answer may be in getting girls to value themselves very highly and recognize that there are many other accomplishments in life that are worth pursuing besides being in a relationship - specially one that expects sexual favors to sustain. Needless to say, positive and empowering female role models are very important in the lives of young girls.

A sense of purpose, a healthy self-esteem and a generous dash of ambition can act as effective deterrents against such reckless behavior. A girl who is driven to achieve and excel is less likely to need validation from a boy. She is likely to get a lot of male attention even without seeking it because she exudes so much charm and confidence. That would do enough to boost her confidence as a desirable woman. Her goal should not be to be the one who is most willing to offer sexual favors to have boyfriend, instead she be so far above the fray that she would never need to settle for anything short of a deeply loving and respectful relationship.

Friends With Benefits

Friends with benefits is a relatively new concept in the annals of relationships and is getting to be fairly commonplace. In the on-line world, things are possibly much worse - there is no friendship involved in this type of short-term contact for sexual gratification. I find these ideas curious for several reasons and wonder what there might be in it for the woman.

Based on the sheer volume of literature and advice on the subject of how to find a man of your dreams, reel him in and get him to walk down the aisle, it seems like she is not getting a lot besides the "benefits" in the average relationship. When a man plays the field he is a player or a stud but a woman in similar circumstances is usually a slut. This is not to say any one characterization is better or worse that the other - but they are distinctly different.

If a woman is angling to catch a man and get married to him (and God forbid have his babies), she is way too needy and clingy but when a man turns his thoughts to marriage he is just a serious and sensitive guy that any woman should be overjoyed to have in her life. There are bridezillas but no equivalent term for grooms - apparently marriage still means a great deal more to women than it does to men. In short, this is not a gender-neutral issue.

If there is literature around how to find the woman of your dreams, more likely than not it is replete with wisdom on pick-up strategies that are most likely to succeed. In such books, a man will likely find advice on stalling techniques when being pursued by a woman determined to become his wife. At any rate, this whole friends with benefits business just makes things official so women can stop whining about their less than satisfactory state of affairs.

Is this then a way for her to avoid being hurt and betrayed by preempting the man's refusal to gratify her emotional needs. In calling a relationship "friendship with benefits" she is making sure that she has a friend past the expiration of the beneficial relationship - something that does not usually happen in the more traditional romantic involvement. A breakup is the end of both friendship and benefits at the same time.

This way she does not have to lose everything even after the man has moved on. For the man there is a huge advantage. Whereas he would at least be expected to provide some amount of emotional support in the relationship to enjoy the benefits, he is completely off the hook now. He gets everything he was getting before minus the obligation to be there for the woman emotionally. It is the best of both worlds as far as he is concerned.

It seems to me that women dig themselves into deeper and bigger holes as they go forth liberating themselves from the shackles of traditional gender stereotypes; in their misbegotten efforts at gender equality in relationships. Through their over-zealous efforts at parity with men, they end up ceding the real gains made by the gender over many generations in less "progressive" times.

Ironically (even if not directly related to the topic at hand), today's women are apparently unhappier than ever.The first step in achieving any form of "equality" might be to stop thinking about how to get a man and keep him. As long as that is even a premise, all talk of equality is moot.