Learning To Frame

K and his wife M were in town this past weekend and when they called to say hello, we invited them over for dinner. K and DB went to school together and were meeting after twenty years. The couple has led a very interesting life and I was looking forward to meeting them.We chatted over chai and snacks and then DB did the obligatory tour of the house. He was really looking forward to showing them some of J's artwork that we have framed and hung on the walls of the office. 

He is incredibly proud of the child's artistic abilities and at times acts like an over-indulgent dad of the worst kind. That evening he was having one of his moments. J enjoys the adulation and I am happy for her - I do believe at least one parent must openly demonstrate pride in their child. It is then okay for the other to be a little reticent and keep things in balance. So while DB pulls the stops on occasion, I make it a point never to do so. 

K indulged us and gushed over how nice the pictures were. DB was all smiles and J looked quite pleased with herself. When the three of them left the room to go upstairs, M pulled me aside to let me know that I should never buy new picture frames on the cheap pointing to one example in the hallway. She exhorted me to check out flea markets for better frames I could buy for the same price and definitely mat every picture before framing. It makes all the difference. She had nothing to say about the artwork at all.

I have to admit I was more than a little taken aback.This is the first time I am meeting this person and  had not asked for an opinion on the aesthetics of my picture frames relative to their price point.A child had drawn these pictures between ages seven and nine and we put it up on our walls because we thought she had done a really fine job for her age. It is our way of encouraging her. I did not have the heart to tell M that every picture does not benefit from a mat and when it comes to artistic sensibility our mileage may vary.

Every room she stepped into she had some advice for me on how to improve it without breaking the bank.The conversations with M left me pondering about how we receive advice and information in our lives. She had a lot of both to share and if I could get over feeling hurt by her not noticing J's efforts, I may have learned several things. Maybe because I never allow myself the freedom to indulge J as lavishly as DB does, I am quicker to hurt over perceived slights. If I could reign my emotions in better, I may learn a lot more from the world around me. As a test, I plan to learn the art of matting from M.

Lack of Resolution

As soon as I spotted T at the table by the window, I could tell she was bursting with news. It had taken us a week and a couple of reschedules to meet for lunch - it certainly helped for my calendar to be wide open everyday or this would have taken months. I was not wrong about the "news". Even before I had taken my coat off she announced "Do you remember M ?" I had a bad feeling about this one right away. 

M was someone she had introduced me to several years ago in her overzealous effort to pair me up. The guy was nice enough but clearly not right for me. We met a couple of times and went our separate ways. That was the last time T played match-maker and I was in a sense grateful to M for this."Yes, I do" I replied. "Guess who he got married to last month ?" I had no idea. It turns out that his wife is T's boss at work. 

I realized that piece of information in itself was not the "news" she was bursting to share. "Well, he has a profile up on Match pictures and all and another girl I know has been talking to him for months ! What a creep ! I realized it was M when she told me about this cool guy she met online but hasn't met for real yet. He travels a lot on the job - what a load of bullcrap !" T continued without pause before I could ask what was newsworthy about her boss marrying M. 

"So are you planning on ratting him out ?" I asked. "That is exactly the problem. Clearly, I can't tell my boss. I could tell this girl but she is a bit of a lose cannon - I have no idea what she'll do when she find out who his wife is. What do you think ?" T replied.

I was wondering if M's wife already knew what he was up to and was deciding to turn a blind eye to save face and maintain what she can of her dignity in this sordid situation. He was not even taking the trouble to hide his pictures on his profile and was talking to a girl in the same town - he was cheating on his wife with complete impunity. He could not even be bothered to follow the 50 mile rule to spare her embarrassment.

T's boss is a desi woman in her mid forties. She had gone to medical school in India and  earned a bunch of advance degrees in this country. She headed up a research lab in town. According to T, she was very attractive and looked years younger she really was. M is just a run of the mill IT drone with a fairly limited world view and an over-sized ego. It is sad enough that the woman with so much going for herself would have to settle for one such as M but to add insult to injury, one such as M would take her for granted to the point he would humiliate her so blatantly. That is all I could think about.

I had no idea what T should do under the circumstances - maybe turn a blind eye as well and let the three of them deal with it. So here I was, looking forward to lunch with an old friend, wanting to share some of the things on my mind - the feeling of lightness and purposelessness during my time off, not having the wherewithal to enjoy some downtime without going crazy and I am called upon to resolve a moral dilemma.

Hall of Mirrors

If life expectancy is hereditary, mine could go either way. One side of my family lives into their 90s, the other has folks dropping off like flies in their 60s and 70s. Lately, I find myself thinking about the half-life mark - specially since DB and I got married. Somehow, having the path to the future defined, has brought in its wake, the need to stop, take stock and yes - self-flagellate. An urge to reconnect with long lost friends apparently comes with this particular territory. I wonder where S (my best friend) with is, how she is doing, if we could talk all night like we did in our college days, if we would have even one thing in common anymore - and I chide myself for letting my communication with S ebb away.

Not knowing the answers to those questions bothered me enough to begin a search. So easy in the time of Google and Facebook and yet so perilous. Now S is nothing if not notoriously private and so are many of our common friends. Finding S, I discover is no walk in the park. I don't know if she is now married and if she uses her husband's last name. My quest for S, however leads me into uncomfortable territory - I have to start looking up hubs in our social network hoping they will somehow lead me to her.

These are folks with two hundred plus friends (which sadly do not include S). Some faces have not changed that much, others have transformed beyond recognition. And that is the easy part - the devil is in the details; careers, spouses, kids, holidays and the endless stream of pictures with everyone in them smiling a hundred percent of the time. My quiet world feels the full force of the information overload. I begin to wonder how I have fared relative to my peers - on all counts. I fear I may have "gained the world and lost my soul" -I fear that I may not be high enough on the happiness quotient relative to my reference group - nothing else matters nearly as much.

I think back to the days of our early youth, we were very different then too. This was the "fun" crowd - they were about taking it easy and having a great time - work came only as an afterthought. Some of them were very bright and enterprising so it comes as no surprise that they are doing very well professionally. This was the crowd you hung out with when you wanted to chill. Things have not changed that much - in time, the moments have added up and online I get to see their life distilled - with its best, most shining moments on parade for the world to see. It is like being in a hall of mirrors - things are not exactly what they appear to be and yet nothing is fundamentally untrue.

As I swirled through the maze, it became evident that S would remain hidden by her invisibility cloak as would some of my other friends. If at some point in their lives, they felt the strange pressure that reaching half-life mark exerts, they may do what I tried - maybe we will connect then.

Strong Women

I met my friend M for lunch after three years. M to me, embodies the strength of a woman at its finest. She is exceptionally good at her job while spending an incredible amount of energy in raising her special needs child with a couple of challenging medical problems. She balances all that with being a wife and a daughter-in-law. 

Amazingly, she does well at everything. She has a warmth of personality that sets everyone around her at ease. The smile is disarming and she laughs without holding back. Thanks to her efforts, her child is one of the rare success stories and on her way to leading a normal life. Just that is an incredible achievement. Meeting women like M is a very humbling experience. I have had my share of adversities and overcome but compared to what M does everyday, it is nothing. 

There is value is being reminded of that - of the difference in order of magnitude of life's challenges, of the true value of what I do have and tend to take for granted. Women like M are also a tribute to our sex - they combine immense strength and tenderness in a way only a perfect woman can. They are not chic, fun and bubbly, oozing "femininity" from every pore but when it comes to being  the yang energy that soothes, comforts and nurtures they define the height of femininity - the yin.Women like M, demonstrate what is possible from a feminine interpretation of things "typically" considered masculine - being the primary provider for the family, being able to decouple emotion from decision making both at home and work and being the steady hand the guides the family at all times. The understated Chanel bracelet and French manicure completely become her.

Reviving Ties

The past year has been about change - often of the cataclysmic kind. DB's coming into my life ending a ten year drought in love was as welcome as it was challenging. It was the year when some friends who had supported me for close to ten years as I flew solo, decided that our friendship had run it's course. So I got used to not hearing familiar voices on the phone, not seeing their emails and in time learning to forget that they were once an important part of my life. When the new marriage hit a bump on the road, I had no one to turn and talk to. Instead DB and I sulked in our corners and came back together when we were done.

I was forced to cleave my life in two - yet again. Life before DB and life after. It was reminiscent of when R (my ex) and I parted ways years ago. Spending New Year's eve with my old friend E was very poignant. She met DB for the first time and J after four years. We felt just as welcome as a new family as I did when it was J and I. DB and E got along wonderfully. We talked, ate, drank and took long walks along the nature trail that runs behind her house and runs all the way to the ocean.

Until reconnecting with E, I had been coping with having to start over one too many times in my life. Mourning the loss of friends - DB's lost plenty on his end as well after our marriage. As a couple, we often floundered on our own without the benefit of nurturing friendships. I am meeting my friend V for lunch today. She texted me this morning wanting to meet for lunch - just her and I. We have in the past meet in a larger group, V, K and his family and the three of us. I gather V needs some time alone with me. This is not a revived tie but a tie that needs some strengthening. I feel good about the year ahead.

Meeting New Friends

We are spending Thanksgiving weekend with some old friends of DB a few states away from home. These are families that formed around when DB was first married and have had many years to grow bonds between each other. The wives and the children have spend many holidays together. This is the first time they met me and J. We received a warm welcome, everyone did their best to make us feel at home. 

J found a bunch of kids to roughhouse with and is happy as a clam. DB is enjoying the time with old friends - their interaction opens windows into his past that I was aware of but had not experienced until now. The ladies have to pause their conversations mid-stream to include me. The men not as much, they are able to find things to chat about that don't require them to have had previous acquaintance with me. 

The first evening goes very well. The next morning. I am beginning to grow a little trying to fit comfortably without encroaching upon people I have known less than ten hours. I have nothing in common with the ladies, I'd love to help in the kitchen but they have things well under control. The kids have more supervision than they require - I am beginning to feel quite redundant. They all speak a language I do not understand so in the middle of a telling something funny, one person needs to step in and translate for my benefit. If anything I am in the way of everyone having a relaxing Thanksgiving weekend. 

I retire to our room upstairs, listen to some music, check my email,  read the November issue of Time magazine. All the time, I am wondering at point I would have crossed the line and gone to being impolite. I do have to return downstairs where everyone is and insinuate myself ever so gently so I don't upset the natural equilibrium of things. Marrying for the second time has many challenges  - catching up with friends who have traveled an entirely different path than ourselves is but one of them.

Anti Rules

S was telling us when we were out to lunch one afternoon, how she and her boyfriend B started dating. Ordinarily, this would not be the most riveting topic of conversation - everyone has a story some less boring than others but S is outside a couple of standard deviations in personality so hers promised to be an interesting one and she had our collective attention.

Instead of playing coy, calm and collected waiting for the man to make the first move, following The Rules book and not call him unless he called after the first date - generally being hard to get instead of "needy" and "clingy", S took a completely non-traditional approach. She walked up to the guy and asked him if was interested in getting some lunch.

Apparently, the unexpectedness of it all nonplussed him and before he knew, they were sitting in a restaurant. The lunch went well and S kept a steady flow of emails going until the next time she asked B out for a date. She does not believe in waiting for things to unfold or for men to discover what they are seeking. Instead, in the right circumstances, she takes control of the situation and assumes the leadership role.Clearly, it works for her.

Now, we've all met B and think he is a very nice guy. With a less assertive woman, he may have been dithering to this day wondering how to make his next move (if at all) and may not have been the stable relationship that he has now been in for a while. He has S to thank for setting his house (literal and figurative) in order.

S the probably the anti-hero - the woman who does everything that dating and relationship coaches caution against and achieves what she wants. It could be argued that her strategy would only work on one such as B who she has on occasion emailed or called twenty times in a day until he responded only to say "Hello". According to her, it is what she felt like at the time - she was just being her natural self. No book of Rules will cramp her style.

Screener

Recently, my friend D found herself stuck with the unpleasant job of phone screening candidates for a position her team was under some pressure fill. According to D, even in the best circumstances, interviewing job applicants is not her favorite thing to do - screening them is that much worse. Being part of the group conducting interviews and as such a point of view among several others is what is she more used to and comfortable with. In these tough times, being put in the position of the "screener" is clearly quite painful to her. 

Yet, it is something she is almost required to do. To confound her moral dilemma, her good friend T has been unemployed for months now and is desperate for work. T's resume might qualify her for the position but D is concerned about T's ability to handle the work load. So she has not mentioned the job to T let alone the fact she is screening candidates for it. That makes her feel like a horrible friend. D and T have worked together in the past - and while they became good friends, D was not professionally impressed by T. D would love to give away her "screener" position to anyone but apparently there are not many takers.

Relationship Stalemate

My friend K has been in the single and mingling state for a bit now. The last time we chatted, she told me about someone who was "at least 90%" right for her. Before I could get too excited about it she added "but it's not going anywhere - hasn't for months". When I asked her why so she explained she was also only 90% right for him and for this man that was not good enough. He refused to "settle" no matter how long it took him to find exactly what he was looking for. "So you are saying that he acknowledges that you are 90% of what he is looking for and yet that does not close the deal ?" I asked incredulously and K confirmed my understanding of the situation to be correct.

As we talked some more, it turned out that the offending 10% that had put their relationship in stalemate mode and even threatened to end it had to do with the one thing that was non-negotiable for both of them . Whatever it was ( I thought it imprudent to probe for any detail), K was one side of the issue and the man was on the other - there was no middle ground where they could meet. And without having this sticking point resolved, movement forward was impossible.

I asked her if this perhaps a way for one (if not both of them) to avoid closure because it was too scary to be seriously committed and God forbid get married. "You know, I have asked myself that very question. I don't think that's the case for me. I feel irritated that he is so stubborn about something that is not so very important in the first place. He can easily come around to accepting what I want and not have lost that much. Instead, he wants to let everything go over it. That's stupid" she said with more than a tinge of anger in her voice.

I wondered if that was not exactly how the man felt as well - she was stupid to let it all go over something relatively trivial. I asked her if she was ready to move on and K replied that was hard because when you come to 90% of all you desire finding equal or better is virtually impossible. "What's the deal with him ?" I asked. "Looking around and I hope he keeps looking until hell freezes over" she replied.

It seemed to me that they both took perverse pleasure in impeding the other's ability to move on and yet did nothing to bring their own relationship to fruition. Knowing K the little that I do, I know she will be over him very quickly if she met someone new that interested and excited her. The problem appeared to be that this 90% guy had made that quite difficult for her and was causing her much aggravation. I had to tell K that this resembled a staring contest to me - each waiting for the other to blink, settling on a balance of power that favored them over the other person. Could ability to trust be an issue perhaps ? "Maybe" she admitted. They have both been through some pretty rough relationships in the past.

Since she was looking for some friendly advise on the situation at hand I suggested she ask this guy what if it took him another ten years to find that elusive 100% he is looking for today only to discover that he does not care about the 10% which has become a huge show stopper between them. As for her, I encouraged to her move on in sober earnest and get over all this percentage nonsense as soon as possible. There are many "right" people for any one person. To choose one over the other is not "settling" but being wise and prudent. It demonstrates the ability to recognize a kindred spirit - just as flawed and imperfect as we are ourselves. I hope she will be in a place of peace and happiness instead of being in a state of limbo where she is right now - believing as she does that some day the man will have the sense to see that 90% is good enough and want to spend life the rest of his life with her.

Talking Perfection

A few months ago, I ran into a girl I went to high school with at the mall. I was amazed that she was even able to recognize me after all these years. Once she told me who she was, I was able to as well but would have not done so otherwise. Her son is a year younger than J and was there along with her husband. After introductions were made, we found a place to sit and chat while the husband watched the kids.

She and I were acquaintances at best back then and the passage of time had certainly not done anything to either of us to be able to turn that to real friendship. Since she is plugged and connected via Facebook, Orkut and the like, she brought me up to speed on our former classmates - who lived and worked where, who they were married to, how many kids they had and more. We exchanged emails and phone number and promised to stay in touch.

One evening, a few days ago she called me and I have to admit I was surprised. The status update had already happened - she knew my co-ordinates and about my marital status. I did not think there was anything else about me that she may find worth knowing about. Surely, it must have been passed around on the grapevine by now and the network was just as well-informed as she was. I had assumed they had collectively moved on to others who were still not on the radar.

After some talk about the weather, she launched into the topic of the day. For close to two hours, I was regaled with anecdotes about her prodigiously gifted seven year old. It seemed to me that the stories grew more and more embellished as she rolled along. At first he was reading five years ahead of his grade level, then he was trilingual and then he learned new languages all by himself, was a science and math whiz, played several musical instruments, wise beyond belief - and much more. There was no end to the child's innate perfection. It is completely possible that all that she had to say about her son is true - I have had the good fortune of knowing several exceptionally wonderful children myself. I could however sense an undertone to this recitative.

The day we had met, she kept telling me how lucky I was to have the courage to leave R (my ex) and strike out on my own. Not every woman in the same situation could do that. I happened to tell her how for over a year of my marriage I deluded myself and people close to me that I was incredibly happy, living with a man who was beyond perfect for me.

I was just lucky to have an epiphany before it was too late. Any time I see a woman gushing about how incredibly happy she is with her man, I feel a twinge of anxiety because I know how that ended up for me. The best marriages tend to be understated - there is not a lot of exhibitionism or playing to the gallery. The couple exudes a sense of peace and belonging together. They would very likely not make a spectacle of their marital bliss like I once did and like I see many do.

Notably, she made no mention of husband or marriage but focused obsessively on her son for two whole hours she was on the phone. If she was trying to prove that she had won the mommy sweepstakes, she did not have to try so hard. I am perfectly willing to believe that there are the most amazing kids in the world and there is no reason why she and her husband could not have given birth to one. While it makes them very lucky, it is also a big responsibility because that amount of talent is not easy to harness guide and in a positive direction.

If I could have given her a piece of advise, I might have told her not to obsesses over the perfection of her child to the point he believed that the love of his mother was contingent on his ability to meet or exceed her expectations. There was not one funny or cute baby story she had to share - everything was about exceptional intelligence and achievement. Even the most perfect child cannot become recompense for a less than satisfactory marriage - the two are different things and cannot be used to offset the effects of each other. I got the sense that she was deeply disappointed for not getting the reaction from me that she had hoped for - one of jealousy or incredulity. If I know anything about human nature, I will not hear from her again.

Prescience And Hindsight

I was meeting my friend E after a very long time. Since she had relocated, our contact has been limited to occasional phone calls and even fewer emails. So when she happened to be in my neck of the woods on business, we were excited to catch-up. In a segue from my comment about lack of reliable music reviews and my growing unfamiliarity with the scene, E went on to music from the 70s. That in turn brought back memories of her teens, having sex for the first time and such.

By her own admission, E has had a rich and varied love life - something she has mentioned to me earlier with more regret than pride - or that is how it seemed to me. That evening she said something I had not heard before "I suffered from low self-esteem and insecurity well into by 20s and 30s. The only way I knew to feel good about myself was to be wild and free. I needed men to tell me how beautiful I was, how much they desired me so I could feel I had some value. Nothing else did it for me. I was willing to do anything to have them say that"

In her late thirties, E seemed to have an epiphany about her motivations and began to understand why she had been through so many short-lived relationships - the sex was always great but emotionally she felt more and more depleted. She started to feel like she was giving herself away without receiving anything tangible in return. It was her moment of truth and her lifestyle started to change dramatically from that point on.

I know a few women of E's age and have heard them say very similar things about how they had been in their youth what motivated their behavior when it came to relationships. Similarly, I know women younger than me walking in the footsteps of E's generation, repeating their "mistakes" all over again. Yet there is a certain profoundness in learning life lessons the hard way which simply cannot be compared to the life experience of someone who is merely following their convictions without putting their value system to test.

E and others like her have often told me that I am wise beyond my years given my views on relationships and my life will end up being better and happier (not to mention infinitely less complicated) than their as a result of it. As gratifying as that is for me to hear, I don't imagine for a minute that I will have ever the same perspective as they do. In the end, it does not matter if our actions are guided by prescience or hindsight, we still win some and lose some.

Parting Ways

Once I had exacting standards to call someone a "friend". These days, I use the word more freely and irresponsibly even. The gravitas associated with friendship has greatly diminished over time and more people are now contained within its orb. The woman I met for lunch last week, is a friend after a fashion. If you consider similar life experiences and the common need to share with and relate to another human being whose suffering resembles your own - that probably falls into the realm of friendship. Yet, there is no larger context around this connection and when we part ways, it would be no more significant to either of our lives than scooping out a handful of water from the ocean might be to it.

That afternoon as we shared stories from our pasts, we were confidantes and friends in a way we might hardly be with others in our lives. We both felt better knowing that the emotional upheavals we had gone through, the times when had questioned our sanity and when we had thought there would never be a return to "normal", were not unique experiences or some kind of fatal aberration. Human beings respond to situations like ours in very similar ways - there is a sense of comfort in knowing that. For a minute I may have thought of her as a sister but that would be forcing into the relationship more significance than there is.

As we parted ways at the parking lot, for some odd reason a poem by Erza Pound came to mind.

 Taking Leave of a Friend by Erza Pound

Blue mountains to the north of the walls,
White river winding about them;
Here we must make separation
And go out through a thousand miles of dead grass.

Mind like a floating wide cloud,
Sunset like the parting of old acquaintances
Who bow over their clasped hands at a distance.
Our horses neigh to each others
as we are departing.

Dating And Rejection

I was walking home after dropping J off at her friend’s house. Other than some chores, I did not have much to do that evening. So when N, my neighbor asked me over to join her in her balcony for a drink,the timing was perfect. N teaches physics at a local college and is a single mother like myself. Her son is getting ready to go to high school this fall. At forty something, N is very attractive and in great shape thanks to her workout discipline. If you’ve spent any time with her you would not fail to notice the bracing sense of humor and a sharp mind.

When conversation turned to relationships (she has recently parted ways with a boyfriend of a couple of years), N mentioned some of her challenges. She does not have the time to meet people “off-line” the good old-fashioned way. When her family or friends try to set her up, the pressure is too high for things to go well - plus she hates it when people "check in" after the date to see how things went.She does not want to have a picture on her profile on a dating site – to be seen by a student would be much too embarrassing. Apparently, men she contacts (which is more often the case because her picture-less profile garners very limited attention) ask to see a picture right away. She has lost count of the number of times they have written back to say “Thanks for the pictures, but I am not interested” or something along the lines that is equally blunt.

I had a really hard time processing this. The average forty something guy would be hard pressed to find a woman in his age group that looks as good as N does and that is not even counting everything else she brings to the table as a person. In physical appearance and fitness level she can still give women in their late twenties a run for their money - “Why on earth would they do that ? Are these guys looking to date only women who have been Miss Universe within the last five years ?” I asked. N’s response gave me much to think about.

She reasons that men who are not secure in their own manhood (literally and figuratively) feel empowered at least temporarily by rejecting a woman based on her looks – despite all the gains women have in gender equality, this is still culturally the cruelest cut of all. More likely than not, they will reject a woman who appears confident about herself and her place in the world - someone who is not in need of a man's validation of her worth.

Rejection helps them establish that they and not the woman are in control. A lot of women are not equipped to handle such rejection (specially when it happens over and over again and they are over a certain age) well. It undermines their confidence and makes them vulnerable in relationships that they do get into.It was not so long ago, that my friend K, who moonlights as a model, was told by a guy that he "felt no chemistry" seeing her picture. That comment prompted her to call me to talk about it. N probably had a point about rejection chipping away at a woman's self esteem - it had certainly bothered K.

According to N, if a man is indeed a man (I will skip the colorful language she used to emphasize her point about what it takes to be a real man), he is likely to compliment a woman on her looks sincerely – her eyes, the slant of her throat,her skin tone, the shape of her lips, the texture of her hair, the curve of her body – whatever it is about her that is really nice, he will notice it and tell her how he finds her attractive. When a man is able to do this, a woman should know he will not disappoint her in bed as well. This is the kind of man who is able to bring out the best in a woman emotionally and physically. Whether or not the relationship works out in the end, he would have impacted her life in a positive way. “In a way, it’s good for me to get rejected by guys based on my looks” N laughed. “Who wants to waste time with losers who won’t even be decent lays. Life is too short”.

In N’s mind, it is perfectly okay for a man to not feel attracted to a woman for a variety of reasons even if she were considered good looking by most standards (my friend K comes to mind as an example). However, the manner in which he extracts himself from the situation says everything about what kind of man he is – namely if he is self-assured, confident and most importantly virile. As far as N is concerned being a “picture- rejecter” is the calling card of an uncultured cad (for obvious reasons) with a near certainty of being entirely underwhelming in bed. In short, imminently avoidable irrespective of the woman's relationship goals. N loves guys who don’t ask to see a picture (are thrilled if she sends them some), are curious to learn what she is all about, enjoy talking to her and set up a date just to get to know her better.

This is the kind of man who makes her want to look her absolute best on their date - exceed any expectations he may have had. “How does it usually go ?” I asked. “Swimmingly well. No exceptions” N replied. Unfortunately the garden variety “picture-rejecter” is dime a dozen, the other type is a rare find. And so on a Friday evening, when her son is with her ex, N has to content herself chatting with a girlfriend instead of being out on an exciting date with a man who can for a few hours dissolve the many stresses of the week, make her laugh and feel totally desirable.

I tell N, may it’s not men – it’s all those pesticides at work feminizing them. Maybe we reason, they are going through this transitional phase when they are losing touch with the masculine in them but have not become fully feminine yet. According to our bizarre theory, in this transitional stage, they might have a strongly negative reaction to any woman who challenges them to be more male than they are able to be. That would explain the patently inexplicable phenomenon of why one such as N (or my buddy K) would get “picture rejected” time after time in by men in the dating pool. By then, it was time for me to go fetch J and I had to defer the discussion of our fascinating hypothesis for another time.

Best Friend Plus

I had an interesting relationship conversation with a gay friend recently. She has been with her partner for over twenty years now and a lesson she learned from the ups and downs of their relationship is useful for anyone. B has come to realize the pitfalls of expecting the significant other to also be one's best friend. The two can and likely should be different people, though some people may find one person who can be both.

While that can be a happy coincidence, it is never good idea to enter a relationship with that being the expectation. Sometimes best friendship can actually undermine the chemistry between two people. A little friction between them can on the contrary, help keep the spark alive. According to be B, when we are drawn into a relationship by the strong bonds of friendship or once in it expect that to blossom magically, things can go really wrong.

This is a mistake I know I have made at least once. In R (my ex), I did have a best friend but he was just not the kind of husband I needed. He was never meant to be both but I insisted upon it and the rest is history. I am sure, I was a disappointment to him for the same reasons and like me he wanted for me to be more than what I was able to be to him. Having lost both companionship (as inadequate as that had been) and my closest friend, set the tone for  future relationships as well. I was asking for too much and was naturally disappointed.

In my own way, I have arrived at the same conclusion as B. The realization helped me nurture the close friendships of many years standing, that I had neglected in the tumult of marriage and the aftermath of divorce. With the need for friendship satisfied, I was able to focus on what I really sought in a relationship and was surprised to discover that my needs were very simple.

Inspirational Teacher

My grade school classmates have had me on their mailing list for a while. Most of the members are like me - silent receivers of communication who rarely if ever have anything to say to the group. An active but vocal minority have kept this list going for as long as they have.

Recently, one guy K commented in reference to an on going conversation about how much they owe to that one teacher who made the most lasting impression. In his case it was Mrs. P (who would have guessed). He wrote "If she had not kept nagging at me for my sloppy grammar and spelling I would never be where I am today".

When we were in our early teens, I remember K making remarks about Mrs. P that were decidedly tasteless. She was tall and slim ; wore silk or chiffon saris that flattered her shape but in a dignified way. Her makeup was always understated as was her perfume. Mrs. P was one of my style icons growing up and I hated it when K and his buddies said the things they did about her. Apparently with age, K has had a change of heart and attitude.

In her essay Teachers Are Key to a Successful Economy, Michelle Obama writes :

"We all remember the impact a special teacher had on us—a teacher who refused to let us fall through the cracks; who pushed us and believed in us when we doubted ourselves; who sparked in us a lifelong curiosity and passion for learning. Decades later, we remember the way they made us feel and the things they inspired us to do—how they challenged us and changed our lives"

That is certainly true for both K and I,even if in very different ways. Decades later, K has realized that Mrs. P was indeed special and a very positive influence on his life. Mrs. P was not the best or the most influential teacher I have had, but there is a lot I learned from her example about being a feminine, confident and attractive without sacrificing dignity. That is an important lesson for any young girl and determines the choices she will make as a woman. Learning that was no less important than learning to construct readable sentences.

On A Taut Leash

Recently I got some interesting relationship advice from a pretty unlikely source. H and I went to grade school together and he is among the few childhood friends that I am still in touch with. When I decided to marry R (my ex), H's reaction was one of honest puzzlement - WTF more likely. However, he held his peace figuring that things that don't in the normal course of life make any sense do in marriage. He was at time in a "quasi-serious relationship" but not quite "ready for prime-time" as in for the responsibilities that go with marriage. It was not a situation I found particularly easy to comprehend but as an old buddy, I wished him well with whatever he had going on.

A few years later when H was good and ready and had finally found the woman he wanted to marry, I had a reaction very similar to his would-be bride and just like him, said nothing about it. He seemed genuinely happy to be with her and I hated to be the one to dampen his enthusiasm. Maybe he has changed over the years, maybe he likes this kind of woman now I reasoned.

So here we are many years later. I have been divorced for a while. H was deeply disappointed but not particularly shocked when it happened given his initial reaction to R. His marriage in his own words is a "mutually beneficial and largely peaceful co-existence". They have both decided to tough it out in the best interest of the children and their families - live under the same roof in two different universes that rarely if ever intersect.

H will often exhort me to find a man and get my life back on track and I have to tell him to get off my case and stop being my mother. Recently, I asked him what advice he had for me given the state of his own marriage, my failed one and his long acquaintance with me.

The question was "How do I know someone will work out for me ?". What H had to say on the subject over the course of a few emails was very interesting.

"Sadly, there is no magic formula that I can hand out. In hindsight, I seemed to have gone into a state of trance when I decided to marry the woman who is now my wife. If I was thinking rationally, I would have not done what I did. I have come to believe that connections between people such as in marriage are pre-ordained and every defense mechanism we build to keep us out of harm's way will come undone and push us in the path of this person. Thereafter, we are merely puppets in the hand of Fate.Sometimes we end up okay, sometimes we don't. You just have to take your chances and hope for the best."

"How absolutely encouraging, H !" I wrote back.

"But I do have some advice for women who want to marry. Unless she is able to reel the man in (before marriage) and keep him on a taut (do note the use of the word taut as opposed to tight) leash thereafter, there is little hope for her to marry or remain married well. In my own example, my wife was able to reel me in (and hence we got married) but she has failed to do the rest.

So while we are "technically" married, it is not the kind of relationship either of us had in mind when we exchanged our vows. A woman is always ill-served to lose control in a relationship or marriage and let the man call the shots - that always ends badly. I have to say here that very few women are adept at the fine art of keeping their men on a taut leash."

"So you are saying that I need to be a more equal partner in the relationship ?" I wrote

"Absolutely. There is no other way for you or any other woman. When my daughter comes of age, that is exactly what I will tell her too. Of course, you don't want to come across as a Virago - but you must set the rules of engagement and make sure he plays by them at all times. You concede an inch and he will take a mile and what is worse it will set a bad precedent for all time to come. You would have a set forces in motion that then cannot be controlled. Women are always tempted to concede in order to make quick gains - they end up winning the battle and losing the war.

Getting married is the easy part, making it really work out is much harder. Now, my mother is a woman who knows how to keep the reins in her own hands without chipping away my father's self-worth. I wish my wife had the good sense to learn a few things from her."

I have known H's folks since I was a kid. His father was a serious somewhat dour-faced man. He worked very long hours and said very little to us(H's friends) on the rare occassions that he actually met us. We for our part, did our best to stay out of his way. His mother, a housewife, always looked happy and upbeat - there was a certain peacefulness about her that was hard to miss. Despite the very different temperaments, they looked very comfortable and content together. Maybe H has a point about the taut leash and maybe he should get his mother to write up a how-to book on the subject.

Outsider

T and I go back a long way. Recently we were chatting about the role of organized religion in our lives and how we both find it hard to participate in it. I am Hindu, T is not and we both have the same challenges relating to the role of religion in our lives. I have always felt awkward at religious ceremonious at a temple and try to go there when nothing is going on so I can just spend some quiet time in front of the deity without having to go through the motions of a puja.

Now that we are both parents, we feel additionally challenged in trying to get our children connected to religion as we feel we must. J used to love going to the temple but after a few times of having participated in an actual puja, she is starting not to enjoy the experience. Whether or not that is on account of my attitude, I definitely blame myself for this change in J. There must be a subliminal sense of guilt about my inability to commune with my co-religionists because I would love nothing more than for J to able to do so.

I have always been awe of those who are conversant with rituals and participate in them with a great deal of enthusiasm. They seem to have something that is tantalizing within reach for me and yet I will never have what they do. It was surprising to hear T talk about the very same feelings. Apparently, it does not matter what the nature of your religion - polytheistic (like mine) or monotheistic (like T's), not being able to take part in it's organized aspects leaves one feeling unfulfilled and even like an outsider. I hope J fares better and different than I have though I am not sure how that might even be possible.

In Costume

Recently I was chatting with a friend who is the parent of a pre-schooler. His child attends an expensive Montessori that his employer happens to pay for. My friend and his wife despite their affluence are middle-class at heart and don't feel comfortable flaunting their prosperity. Quite often they find themselves in their daughter's school surrounded by rich, well-dressed parents who view them somewhat superciliously. They are treated like outsiders in the clique of rich, fashion forward parents.

I am able to relate to their experience based on my own at J's school. The women wear and carry only designer labels and look like they spent a bomb on their perfect hairstyles and manicures. I am brand label averse and definitely not a slave to fashion. I get the sense that I am being socially rejected. It may be completely unrelated, it has also taken me a while to gain the attention of the teachers.

My friend thought we should just save ourselves the trouble and get a "costume" for school. If all it takes to be accepted are a few designer duds, might as well do it and blend in - we were not necessarily compromising on our values by doing so. There is a certain social signaling going on there which we cannot participate in because we are dressed all wrong.

I asked him if that would not mean setting the wrong example for our kids - they might want to do what it took to fit in as well. How do you help them parse the difference between intent and action. After all blending in is always the path of least resistance. It has taken me all of three years at J's school to be taken seriously and without Prada, Gucci et al to help me out. It proved to be an invaluable learning experience and can only help me help J navigate the cliques of cool kids that she will need to deal with in a few years.

Was watching this interesting video on the psychology of wearing designer knock-offs and I wondered if the parent cliques my friend and I were talking about had some of these knock-off wearers as well. What if people played the part in costume like he was suggesting. The idea would then be too beat the fashionistas at their game by taking the cheap route while pretending to blend in - the cheating here is happening at many different levels.

Absent Chemistry

Recently my friend K asked if it were possible to judge if there was chemistry or not based on one picture. I was quick to say yes - it has happened to me. Now K is a very attractive young woman who does some modeling on the side. Clearly for an "average-looking" man to tell her "awfully sorry but I am not feeling any chemistry at all" based on a picture from her portfolio is an affront. Had it been the other way around, K would have not called to ask me the question she did. I am certain she has summarily dismissed prospects based on a picture or two - as have many of us women.

The real question is therefore, should men be held to a different standard than women. Does it behoove them to declare they find a woman attractive even if they really don't - is it merely good manners like holding the door. Are they out of acceptable standards of behavior if they tell what they actually think. I suggested to K that she shrug it off and move on. It should not be so easy for a random man to come along and displace her confidence in her physical appearance.

There are enough guys fawning over K at any given time - and that alone should be enough to undo the damage one had done. As long as youth is on her side she can count on that. When it is gone she will need have enough self-worth built so she no longer needs validation and affirmation from men. She should be in a place where she can be amused at the remark and be able tell this man she appreciates his candor and wishes him luck.

Mortality

When you connect with an old friend after a couple of years and ask the question "How have you been ?", there are several kinds of responses you are prepared to hear and there is one that you are never quite ready for "Lots. Let's see now, where do I begin. I was diagnosed with cancer and have been busy taking care of that situation for the most part". This is exactly what happened with me recently.

I had to excuse myself from the phone, go away where I could be alone so I could process what I had heard. A few hours later, I emailed and asked if we could meet for lunch one day. We ended up talking a little about her illness but we mostly pretended that it was not there. I am always quick to go into denial when faced with situations like this. There is no other way I know to process sorrow or pain. As long as I can do it, I will go on like nothing has changed.

We will get back to our old pattern of meeting for lunch somewhere between our workplaces, chat about her crazy in-laws, the latest in J's world and mine, her newest home improvement projects among a host of other things. I will measure time from one meeting to the next and refuse to look any further, scrub out all information that trends negative and supplant it with my imagination where everything is perfectly fine.

Reading these last few lines of a poem titled Biopsy made me want to cry

as the needle enters the vein,
And we search for any possible constellation, something

Familiar to name.

Yet to give in to that impulse would be to accept that my friend is ill so the tears will simply need to wait.